Something about writing this seems so natural. Like I always knew I would be here. Like everything was moving straight and inevitably towards this point in time. That point in time where I am no longer married. Where he is no longer my Dude. Where he is preparing himself no longer for me, but for you.
There is a real part of it that absolutely fucking sucks. Like we should have been able to do better than this. Like we should have been able to change tack and adjust our course for a different shore than the island we have found ourselves on now. Like people as smart as us should have been able to figure this shit out before we did. And all the shoulds are just couldn’ts.
And there’s just the part that is. The truth of the thing regardless of wants or shoulds or oughts. The part that I am trying really hard to look at with new eyes. Eyes that are more open than the ones that got me here to begin with. The part that I am attempting to evaluate with judgement I did not or could not use before. The part that screams I want desperately to live honestly and authentically in a way I was never able to before.
He is going to be great. Whether he has yet realized it or not, the other side of this looks amazing for him. He is going to be healthier, stronger, more stable, financially secure, emotionally capable, and physically attractive. He is going to be a fucking stud and you are going to be very happy with him.
And I am going to have to remind myself every single time I see the both of you that the man you found, the one you have, was never going to be mine. He was never going to be that for me. Had I stayed, had I continued to wait for him to make the changes he made for you for me, this new guy you found would have never emerged.
And that’s just okay.
Because the truth is I am already really excited about the person I am becoming. And there is no way she would be emerging without the dissolution of the dream. The box wasn’t the right fit. There is something in the person that I am that would have never blossomed inside the parameters that was our marriage.
Do not misunderstand. I am so thankful for the opportunity I had to be his wife. The good memories, the beautiful children, the things I learned – being his wife was a great joy. I do not for one second regret saying yes. That maybe I said yes for too long is a point that may have some validity, but not so much that it is even worth considering. I am proud that I was his wife.
I am also proud now to be just me. I am thrilled to get to know me for who I am on my own. Just as he is getting to do that for himself.
There would not have been this guy you have. He would have never existed. This is not the guy I missed out on. This is not the guy I lost. This is not the guy I cut loose.
I would have never gotten this guy. It was not in the cards for me. But he deserves to be this guy. And he deserves to be happy. If I am being honest, the bitch side of me wants to walk up to you and say, “You’re welcome.” But that is mad petty, right?
So I am going to have another cup of coffee with the woman he would have never had in honor of the man she would have never got and mourn for just a minute the couple that never was and never could have been. They deserve it. But only a minute. Because the woman I am has shit to do.
8-15-2016