I have spent a wonderful weekend doing some pretty great self work. It helps when you are loved in a way that allows you to love yourself…when you feel so confident in the love of another you allow yourself to begin to fully love yourself. And I already know there are a few eyerolls going on at that statement right now. It’s fine. I get it. I understand that you are supposed to love yourself for yourself. I get all the self help ideas that say we must get right with ourselves before someone else can get right with us. I already know there is the whole “do not place your worth in the hands of someone else” camp. If that works for you, great. Rock on.
That’s not the place I found myself in.
I found myself in a place where all I was able to consider was what I was in regards to others. I found myself in a position where I had allowed the needs and wants of others to determine what my needs and wants were. This was no one’s fault but mine. I made life choices that put me in a situation where I had already established that the person I thought I was, the life I thought I was going to have was not going to happen. Therefore, the best I could do with what I had was to make a life where those around me were as happy to have me as possible. This meant changing to suit them.
I did well for a while. But there is something really funny about the truth. It often refuses to stay suppressed. It needs to be known. And that is exponentially more accurate when the truth being discussed is your personal truth. However, when that truth has been neglected and modified for as long as mine had, when it came time to work that out, I wasn’t sure what was truth or rubble from the remodeling demo. And working through that shit is scary. Fear is a mother fucker. It is much easier when it is supported by a love unconditional. Moreover, unconditional and strong enough to shore up my soft spots until I become strong myself.
And that is where I found myself.
For a brief period of time I employed the “I don’t give a fuck what other people think” mentality. That didn’t last long. It isn’t my truth. The truth is I care an awful lot about what people think. Working through that has been a fairly painful journey.
I worried that people would think I was less than. That they would look at all the life changes I made and make assumptions based on half truths and limited knowledge. They wouldn’t like me. They would think me horrible. And that hurt me because, while I am not perfect and I make less than perfect decisions, I am, at my core, a good person. I said fuck it, let them think what they want. And then people began to remove themselves from my life. People who should know me better. People who I thought I had created enough of an emotional bond with that I would at least get the benefit of a conversation before they just cut me out. People who would have been devastated had they been treated that way…but don’t think twice about treating me that way.
Caring what those people think is toxic. It’s that situation that causes people to bumper sticker the idea that you just can’t care what others think. And I get that.
So I don’t care what anyone thinks. Except behaving this way will hurt those that actually care about you. I care what my person thinks. She is always there for me. It’s important to me to consider her feelings. I care what my life givers think. They are my biggest supporters. Through everything my folks have always had my back, given me a safe haven been there for me. They may not agree with all of my choices, but their feelings about me are important. I care what my children think about me. Granted they are still young and cannot fully understand or be clued in on everything, but insomuch that they are, I want them to see a good example, to see someone who loves them, and cares about their hearts. I care what he thinks about me. He is my soul tie and he sees the best version of me all the time. How could I not care about what he thinks?
Caring about what those people think is not toxic. It constantly makes me a better person. It creates a confidence to be myself truly. It gives me a reason bigger than myself to be the best version of myself.
I do care what people think about me when those thoughts are rooted in a sincere concern for me and my person.
I do not care what people think about me when those thoughts are rooted in that person’s self interest.
There’s more in that. It can’t just be about granting weight to who’s opinions about me hold weight. It is also a lesson in how I need to treat others. I am coming to honest terms with myself about my own selfishness. Or as honest as I can be about such a personal topic. Identifying selfishness in ones self is a tough journey – at least it is for me. If I expect others to hold opinions about me either coming from a place of my best interest or not at all, then I must be more aware of my motives in my own opinions about others.
At the end of the day it is still more evidence supporting my thought that love wins. Every time.