To say that the last year has been a life changer would be an understatement. So much so that I reserve the right to say that at least 365 more times in a variety of different ways in a variety of different mediums.
Sitting here contemplating the events of the last 366 days, it is not lost on me the similarities they have with a social media post gone sideways. It started out normal enough. Then that one comment happens that ignites all of the lurking underbrush below. Escalation occurs quickly. There is a ton of activity from a plethora of different voices – some informed, most stirring the pot. The original poster is faced with the dilemma at hand. Delete the post? Remove some of the worst bullshit offenders? Scorch the thread with excited rhetoric of their own? Sit silently and watch it unfold? Laugh, cry, rage, pray, question…when the conversation goes out of control, what is one to do?
This was the last six month of my year. Escalation, rumor, truth, fiction, acceptance, denial, and a whole lot of change. Some would argue that pumping the brakes would have been a better, more responsible thing to do. Some may also hold that so much big change in such a short period of time is a recipe for disaster. However, I have also noticed that those same “some” have a whole lot of strong opinions that they feel comfortable voicing as fact concerning very real circumstances of which they know nothing about. Moreover, they KNOW they know nothing. They have lived their life. They understand the types of relationships that they have engaged in – who they have a close relationship and who they do not. To put it bluntly, they know how many times they have been in my home, how many times they have not had conversations, the level of interaction they didn’t have. Some of the closest people to me had no idea what was happening in my house. Intellectual honesty requires that you admit you are talking out of your ass when you attempt to make statements about my life.
However, if the last year taught us anything it is that a good many people have zero problem with talking out of their mostly uninformed ass. There is no shelter from it. On the grid, in the park, at the coffee shops, sitting in the pews – the legion of ass noise is everywhere. I have often attempted to contemplate the reason for the seemingly epidemic proportions of people who grow more and more comfortable making declarative, passionate statements riddled with obvious ridiculousness and no authority. I think people are bored. They are over stimulated and under utilized. There is a whole thought process behind that thought but that’s a conversation for another day. The important idea for our purposes is this – regardless of the reason, the outcome is the same and my control over the idiocy has always been and remains exactly zero.
At first, this idea jacked me up. No control. No control. There was all this inaccurate, hateful, bullshit being spewed by a collective that should, in fact, know better. A collective that would not tolerate for two seconds their behavior had it been a tactic I chose to employ; I could do nothing. I tried to convince myself that there was something I could do. I had the right to defend myself after all. I had an obligation as a strong woman to set the record straight. Right?
Sure I did. And had I done all of that there would have been a strong case to be made in my right to do so. But the truth of the matter is that there was nothing I could do or can do now to effectuate change on the opinion of others who have obviously decided that progress is not the goal. The goal in this case was complete assassination regardless of truth. The high was in the nasty, the drama, the vileness. That was the end game. Not healing, not support, not honest, not truth. The hunt was on for unadulterated indignation at any cost because the rage felt good. You can’t reason with people like that. There is no record to set straight and there is nothing to defend because although I was the scapegoat, it really had nothing to do with me at all.
After some great support from some folks with cooler heads than mine, I found the trick in the journey. I was having such a hard time walking along in my route because I was trying to stay on their roads. In entertaining their thoughts, ideas, and judgement, I had deviated from my path and was failing at trying to walk along on each of theirs. Have you ever attempted to take multiple routes in a single space of time? Yeah, it sucks as bad as it sounds.
But we are routinely guilty of falling into that trap. We succumb to the onslaught of judgement and self doubt and the nagging idea that an outsider’s opinion on our own personal journey is more important, more valid, more acceptable than our own. So we straddle paths and are left with little more than blisters on our feet.
I still find myself wandering into the winding trails of others, but it is happening less often and I catch it before a whole lot of backtrack is required. This shrugging off the judgement and condemnation of others has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. It takes a bravery I didn’t realize I had. It takes the sense of humor I knew I had but pondered whether it was appropriate (spoiler alert – it is!) It takes a grace that expands from the empathy I feel for others, to realizing that it is completely appropriate to offer that kindness to myself. It takes time. It takes the willingness to own what is your own bullshit while still refusing to believe that means you deserve the extra that is heaped upon you by others. I have enough real shit that I actually have to account for to worry about imaginary wrongs that have been created for the perverse enjoyment of others. No control. Only courage, humor, and grace.
Oh, and love. Always love.