Because I haven’t thought this through all the way and I am currently operating on “holy shit, that’s kinda cool” right this second, I am just going start with a timeline of my morning and see where it goes.
0245 – My eyes popped open and I realize I am about three fucked up thoughts away from a full blown panic attack. I have done really well over the years managing them so I am pretty sure getting out of bed and starting my day is the best way to go. It’s early, but not so early.
0300 – Coffee is done and I start with some busy work to kinda feel myself out. If you have ever experienced some reluctant muscles, joints, or ligaments first thing in the morning, this is the mental version of those few stretches and steps when you get out of bed. Give the brain easy, but meaningful, tasks so that the more complicated thoughts, if there are any, can kind of flush themselves out.
0400 – I am two loads of laundry, a handful of emails, one sleepy child and one sleepy man put back to bed, dog poop cleaned up, and an organized computer desktop in. I know what’s bothering me and it is still nothing I want to address. It’s time to write and I know that will help. But I really don’t want to. I just can’t get there yet. So, more busy work.
0445 – I have organized four ongoing writing projects and I am feeling pretty good about getting to my own shit. I pull out my calendar and realize I have not looked at October birthdays at all. What a great procrastination task (judge, I don’t care. There’s some real transparency right there. I coulda lied). I log into Facebook and get immediately distracted by the “On this Day” link (it really is my favorite Facebook feature).
There are the normal whatevers. There also happens to be this quote by John Smoltz that I shared in 2013
In truth, my answer to all these questions is the same, and it’s far simpler than many believe: Why Not?
Why not do what you love for as long as you are physically able? Why not take risks, as long as they are calculated? Why not chase what some see as impossible? Why not believe in yourself? Why not dare to be great…even if it means being different?
Why not?
Then there was a link to this TAT I wrote in 2010 which started with a great truism by Rocky (there are many) and concluded with me saying
Today I encourage you to consider something you already know. Know what you are worth. Move forward and get what you are worth. If it were easy, everybody would do it. It’s not, but it is worth it, and moreover, it is possible. Life is. Challenges are. Struggles are. It cannot be overstated that it is what we do after that matters. There aren’t enough fingers to point, blame to place, or pity parties to have that will change the effectiveness of good, old fashioned, sleeve rolling. We can do this. I can do this. And oh the stories we will tell…
And then I had the “holy shit, isn’t that kinda cool” moment. Isn’t it kinda cool that on a morning when I am feeling a little scared because I am still not quite confident in, well, every-fucking-thing, that I shared a quote that has one of the best questions of all time, “why not?”
And when my brain answers the question with bullshit like
- because I’m scared
- I’m not good enough
- I’ll be a disappointment
- oh the judgement
- when I fail
- I lose the love of people around me
I am quickly reprimanded by my 34 year old self. Yes, I did have a brief moment of “what the hell does a 34 year old know” but that was just deflection. I know some pretty smart 30ish folks. And, if I do say so myself, I was pretty smart then too.
0526 – I am a pot of coffee down. I am still scared. I am still worried. I am still feeling less than confident about, well, still every-fucking-thing. But I am no longer knocking on the door of a panic attack. I know the people that love me. I am working on knowing my worth. I am encouraged again that writing is so good for the soul both in the now and in the future. I am reminded of the value of words, vulnerability, and their relation to each other. I am thankful for the loves in my life and have already made time for the nap I will need later.
0552 – I have proofread and double checked. I have found the TAT that later came out of the John Smoltz quote. I am about to hit publish. I realize I still have to process the thing that woke me up in the first place. I realize that’s vague, but whatever. I have realized that folks will criticize for being too open, folks will criticize for being too guarded, that those folks are often the same damn people. I also realize that I am getting off topic because I am looking for a bow. A bow, that we have already determined, I don’t always need.
