I feel so much gratitude for my life.
The random, jacked up staircase is becoming a reoccurring characteristic in my dreams and I am finding it very interesting.
There are my two true sentences today.
The idea of gratitude is multifaceted for me.
I realize my life is a blessing. I understand that the challenges I experience in my day to day – even the larger ones – pale in comparison to challenges faced by others. While I am amazingly grateful for those truths, they are not why I have gratitude. I do not view my challenges as less than because I am not a practitioner of comparing strife no more than I am a practitioner of comparing blessings. My shit is my shit. I own it, I walk it, I do not apologize for it, and I do not allow it to be weighed and measure against someone else’s shit. I do not experience gratitude because I am supposed to.
I feel like I am an incredibly grateful person. I do not, however, have what many would call a “gratitude practice.” I am not completely convinced that I am right to not put more priority into developing this practice; I’m not completely convinced that I am wrong either.
I have been told that an intentional gratitude practice can be an effective antidote for fear. I have found that idea manifests itself in the exact opposite way in my life. Focused, planned, intentional gratitude, especially at this stage of my life, creates more fear – not less. I understand how that may sound. Let me try to explain it this way. When I feel grateful in the moment, it is pure joy. When I reflect and concentrate on all the things I have to be grateful for, fear that I can do something, say something, even think something, wrong and mess it all up becomes overwhelming. Of course this is an irrational thought and I get back to the rational, eventually. It is the getting there that leaves me flat for a while.
Therefore, I have, for the time being, let go of the idea that, for me, a tangible gratitude practice is something I need to implement. These types of realizations – the ones that fly in the face of all the memes, social shares, bumper sticker thoughts – always create open loops for me.
- Am I simply justifying things to fit what I do or don’t want to do
- If so many other folks are saying this is “the way,” does that make me wrong
- Am I the only one that thinks this way
And so on – you get the picture.
While some loops are too much for me to tackle, I try to close as many as I can. I always tackle the justification loop first and head on. This one is the most important to me (maybe) and typically pretty easy (benefit). Intellectual honesty is one of my highest priorities; feel good justification is the exact opposite of that.
Because this fight with gratitude and what it is “supposed” to look like has gone on for so long, I have already closed this loop by testing the theory. I have attempted, repeatedly, to create an active, intentional, gratitude practice. My results have always been the same. Now, one could argue that this testing is flawed because I already had a bias from past encounters with this habit. I will concede the point. I will not concede the results. Because I am not attempting to restructure any broad sweeping mental health protocol, I am good with the “if it works for millions of people, but doesn’t work for me, I am leaving it to those millions and finding my alternative” stance.
The “they” loop comes in many different varieties and surfaces in nearly every topic. The unescapable “they” are always hanging out ready to pounce on challenges (especially if it’s not one they particularly have) and claim enlightened, woke, light bringing, nirvana level achieved, Karen education to your “know better, do better” ignorant ass.
Sidenote: I have seen the push to put “Karen” in the slur category. Maybe tomorrow (probably not). Today, however, I find that ridiculous. Some names just have their place in the world. Karen has been given hers. Is your name Karen and you are not, in fact, a Karen? Don’t become a Karen – hang out with a Richard, he has tons of pointers on how not to be a dick.
Sidenote: Maya Angelou would be devastated (ok, maybe not devastated because she is the incomparable Ms. Angelou) if she saw how the “know better, do better” idea has turned into this perversion of passive aggressive behavior. Therefore, I have not attributed the quote to her as that is not the quote I am using – I am using Karen’s version of the quote. For a full explanation, I introduce you to Jenna.
Anyway, “they”…in all fairness, I don’t really consider them anymore and that, my friends, is a benefit of a healthy relationship with my husband and excellent therapy. The “really” part is the key though. I can’t stop the loop from opening, therefore, I can’t ignore it. I have to do the work:
Me: Oh look, it’s “they” trying to stir up shit again.
Other Me: *Doesn’t look up from iPhone* Who cares?
Me: Well, I think I do a little. I mean what if “they”…
Other Me: Stop
Me: No seriously, what if “they” have a point this time?
Other Me: *facepalm* Ok, say it.
Me: Well, “they” could.
Other Me: Say it.
Me: But…
Other Me: Say. It.
Me: Fuck “they”
Other Me: Thank you…are we done here? Again?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Other Me: Anytime
Sidenote: Other Me is not really a bitch. She just has a lot to do in my brain trying to control The Many.
Then there is the “am I alone in this” loop. Once I have closed the justification and “they” loops, this one is pretty much over. It moves from a question couched in fear to one interested in connection with other folks – for the benefit of both myself and others who may also feel like they are less than because of an idea they have that doesn’t fit a bumper sticker.
Ok, this free flow brain stuff works…except I have gone on long enough today…the stairs will have to wait until another time. Thanks for hanging out 😊
