I am losing my journey.
Ok, so I am trying to get into writing the truest sentence I know first, then working through all the stuff later. So let me expound on that just a bit and see where we go.
I am still afraid. I am not going to talk about being afraid today because frankly, it is exhausting. I’m like the Incredible Hulk of fear.
That’s my secret, Captain. I’m always angry.
How tired did Bruce look when he said that, I mean, for real.
Ok, so today’s little offering may not be very elegant, and I am going to be okay with that. I am just going to tell it how it goes. While it may not suit my ego, it suits the purpose – the purpose to stop sacrificing the journey.
- I type “I am the Incredible Hulk of fear”
- I google “Incredible Hulk angry” in order to make sure I get the quote exactly right – I am not looking to piss off my fellow Marvel fans today.
- The very first thing that pops up is a StackExchange forum discussing the meaning behind the quote. I find the teaser intriguing and click through.
- It’s really good. In fact, it is so good, I am going to interrupt my original thought, sacrifice elegance, and substitute flow of thought.
- Forum participant, Avner Shahar-Kashtan offers:
In the beginning of the Avengers movie, Black Widow finds Banner in India, treating sick children. This isn’t just a humanitarian endeavor for him; Banner purposefully surrounds himself with injustice – with poverty, with senseless death – so that he could be constantly angry at something.
Being constantly angry allows him to keep his anger under control – it’s not a sudden spike of anger that disrupts his concentration and lets the Hulk out, it’s a constant, background anger that lets him decide when to unleash the green beast.
From the script:
NATASHA ~ You know, for a man who’s supposed to be avoiding stress, you picked a hell of a place to settle.
BANNER ~ Avoiding stress isn’t the secret.
This doesn’t say it explicitly, but implies to me that his choice of location and activity are part of his secret.
In a flash, this provokes a few other references
- Rocky and Mr. T
- Elizabeth Gilbert in Big Magic
- Joyce Meyer’s “Do it Afraid”
Actually, that’s not entirely true. The first two were flashes, the last one happened while typing the other two. Just trying to keep the actual flow here since this is a bit different for me.
Anyway, I am still not real keen on talking about me being afraid today – it is still exhausting. But this general look that I have discovered on my way to saving the missed journey is interesting.
- Bruce learned to manage his anger by confronting it, immersing himself in it.
- Rocky nearly lost himself because he refused to acknowledge his fear.
- Elizabeth Gilbert has created a boundaries for hers; it is not allowed to impact the journey.
- The Joyce Meyer one I don’t really remember. I read that one a long time ago but I am pretty sure it went something like “everybody is afraid of something. God has you. Do it afraid.”
My strategy isn’t any of these. It is more Piglet in nature; let’s not get anywhere close to anything that is scary. Let’s just sit here on this nice patch of earth and just love each other.
That really isn’t working for me. It is obvious my fight, flight, freeze is all out of whack. Hence the exhaustion, hence the lost journey.
I have done a lot of really neat stuff this year that have been accompanied by neat thoughts, incredible conversations, and new ideas. I have written about none of them. Fear takes my words first. I intended to write much more often this, year. I was going to document the college journey, the business progress, the life at home – all of it. I am so grateful for this rich and amazing life I have. I was committed to preserving it better, honoring it more, passing it down with better record by way of this keyboard.
We know what they say about the road to hell…
- I am nearly finished with my first semester of college – and it has been amazing
- I am on day 28 of a quarantine that has had me nearly 98% housebound and isolated. My day to day life, like so many others, is nothing like anything I have experienced before
- My husband is a licensed pilot and an adventurer
- Our oldest daughter and her boyfriend have bought their first home, our youngest has been accepted into the STEM program
- I am running a pretty successful business
- I have reengaged with my fitter self
- I am reading A LOT
I have had time. I have had things to write about. I have memories that I have lost already. They go so fast. Oh sure, I can go back through, peek at my calendar, get a pretty good feel for what was going on and give you a record. But I am too far removed to give you an account. I am too much changed to give the in the moment words. Think I am exaggerating? Think about how much time it takes you to reconsider a knee jerk. Myself, it takes me very little time – my go to is to consider nearly everything a knee jerk and thus analyze it immediately. And I go back to it, boy do I ever go back to it, just to make sure I haven’t created some unfixable chasm in the universe. Therefore, a few days, weeks later, when I go back to recall the moment, I can pretend like all the updates aren’t there – but they are.
So I am losing my journey. More correctly, I am allowing fear to corrupt my journey. I am worried what other things I might be losing to fear…