You can package gratitude with insight and proceed accordingly
– Ruthie Parmett
Proceed accordingly. Those two words seem so simple. Maybe to some they are. For me, it is a constant battle as I often get hung up on both points. Proceed. Accordingly.
Let’s have the dictionary define some terms, shall we? Dr. Rago, my Literary Theory professor, would say, “No we shall not.” She would say that I needed to tell you what the terms mean for myself. I would absolutely agree with her. Except, I am not always sure what I think those words mean, so I fall back on established semantics.
Track with me for just a bit. I’ve jumped ahead and I know a little bit about where this is going. It’s a weird ride, but, hey, it’s how my brain works.
Proceed – begin or continue a course of action
Accordingly – in a way that is appropriate to the particular circumstances
Appropriate – suitable or proper in the circumstances
Suitable – right or appropriate for a particular person, purpose, or situation
Proper – of the required type; suitable or appropriate
Now that the definition of two words has moved us into the definition of several words, a problem presents itself; there are repeating words. These words, with the exception of “proceed,” are used to define each other. How much help is that?
Why do I need help to begin with? Look, I have not been shy in this space about my struggles with fear. Interestingly, the topic has come up in other spaces lately and the general consensus is my propensity to be fearful is a surprise to a good many people. I appreciate that. It means that I am doing better. My issue at the moment is that I do not feel like I am getting better. The chasm between those two things is formidable.
Make no mistake; I am proud of doing. I know the work it took, and continues to take, to get here. But I am ready. I am ready for the getting. I am ready to move past the “fake it til you make” idea. I never really liked it to begin with, but life goes on and I have to be here for it. You do what you have to do to not waste any more time. I assure you I have wasted my fair share. I. Am. Ready. For. The. Getting.
And that’s the message I took Ruthie, my beloved therapist, this week. We had an exceptionally hard session last week. It was bitter, and sad, and hard. It broke me in a way that I can’t (and won’t try to) describe. It was needed, it was necessary, and it was unwelcomed. I went to sleep last Wednesday achingly sad. I woke up last Thursday pissed off.
You see, I have no idea where all of this comes from. I have no clue, no wound, no instance, no tangible thing that I can point to and hang the “this is why I am this way” flag. And because there is no thing, there is no monster to defeat, no amends to make, no forgiveness to offer, no responsibility to take – there’s nothing. Oh sure, there’s theory, possibility, and perhaps. But you can’t hang this kind of thing on a maybe. So here I am, sure that I am worthy of every good thing, but I don’t feel that I am worthy. And I don’t know why, and I can’t ever remember not feeling this way, and it’s been 40ish years, and I am smarter than this, I am more capable than this, yet here we are.
And I am pissed.
I am so angry that I almost canceled this week’s session. I am not pissed with Ruthie. She’s one of the biggest reasons I have gotten as far as I have. But I had a dinner party scheduled for Wednesday night and if there was going to be a repeat of last week right before that, I was not interested. But running from that kind of thing never works. I knew if I did that, I would just spend the rest of the day feeling like a coward. I decided to take my chances with Ruthie.
“I almost cancelled today. I don’t know that I want to do this. I am pissed off and I have people coming over and I am not having another week like last week. I am over it. I am thankful that I am functional, I am. But I am ready to be fixed.”
Ruthie doesn’t even bother to explain the obvious; I am not broken. We have been together long enough to where we both know that’s not what I mean.
“I know we don’t use checkboxes, but you have got to give me something. I know we have been doing triage and I’m a little all over the place, and we’ve never really worked like this before, but I need something different.”
Let me take this opportunity to tell you my therapist has one of the smuggest grins on the planet. I love it when it appears because I know she is fixing to pull out some real next level genius therapist shit.
The next 55 minutes are magical. We have plans, we have purpose, I’m taking notes, I can literally see the steps in my brain. Connections of years of trying to move through, understand, prioritize, evaluate, triage, function, start to come together in a glorious way.
I am filled with gratitude.
It is then I am reminded of something she said the week before.
“I can’t get myself together. I am so overwhelmingly sad. What am I supposed to do with all this? I know we had to get here, but now I don’t know where to go next.”
“Your sad because it is sad. It’s devastatingly sad. But now you have it, and you can grieve it.”
“But there is no ‘it.’ There is only all this.”
“Except you have more and you can find what serves you and let go of what doesn’t. You have it in you to package gratitude with insight and proceed accordingly.”
What she meant was that my trauma is unfortunate and in the past; we can’t change it. But we can find the moments in and/or around the trauma(s) to be grateful using the insight in ourselves. It is in that gratitude that we find our way out of the hurt and into the healing.
I still don’t know what “proceed accordingly” means. But I am working super hard on the former. I have complete confidence that the latter will come. When coaching me in my abysmal pool game, Daddy always tells me, “Take the easy shots first. The hard ones will come.”