Day 6 and 7

December 6, 2020 by

Offers readers a cheeky and novel viewpoint on the world of ideas, how they can be formed, who they can come from and how to harness them.
Day 6 of the 28 Day Self-Growth Plan
Steal Like an Artist by Austin Kleon

If you want to change the world, start off by making your bed.
On May 17, 2014, Admiral William H. McRaven addressed the graduating class of the University of Texas at Austin on their Commencement day. Taking inspiration from the university’s slogan, “What starts here changes the world,” he shared the ten principles he learned during Navy Seal training that helped him overcome challenges not only in his training and long Naval career, but also throughout his life; and he explained how anyone can use these basic lessons to change themselves-and the world-for the better.
Day 7 of the 28 Day Self-Growth Plan
Make Your Bed: Little Things That Can Change Your Life…And Maybe the World by William H. McRaven

Doing these two a bit different today for a few reasons –

  1. I took a day off and I really want to start week 2 of the 28 Day Self-Growth plan on a Monday. As luck would have it
  2. I did not enjoy Steal Like an Artist at all. It has some great reviews on GoodReads so I am assuming it was the summary and not the book. If it looks interesting to you at all, don’t take my word for it – what do I know anyway?
  3. I know that I did not finish the summary of Make Your Bed. I got about halfway through it and decided this would be one that I read in its entirety.
  4. I also know that it is Sunday, and my coffee is hot, my bed is warm, and my kids are still asleep. I have already pushed publish once today as a consequence of Reason #1. I will push it again here for the same reason. I realize that may be too much content for one day so I’ll make this pretty easy.

Here is the video of The Admiral’s speech. You can find the shorter, edited versions all over YouTube. But I think it’s a well spent 19:26 in its entirety.

Have a great Sunday y’all, and thanks 😊

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Bubbles, Balance, Bootcamp

December 6, 2020 by

Using the science of habits, riveting stories and surprising facts from some of the most famous moments in history, art and business, Mel Robbins will explain the power of a “push moment.” Then, she’ll give you one simple tool you can use to become your greatest self.
~Day 5, of the 28 Day Self-Growth Plan
The 5 Second Rule: Transform Your Life, Work, and Confidence with Everyday Courage, by Mel Robbins

So, I took yesterday off. I figured I would start there because I will feel better about it once I said it aloud.

But I am glad I did. I am glad I recognized when I needed a do-nothing day and took it before I got too many days into a streak…when the pull of getting a sticker was more alluring than listening to what I needed.

And, in all honesty, it wasn’t completely a do-nothing day. I did a few chores around the house, put together a to go dinner for my folks, finished The Great Alone, started Deep River Blues, read the rest of the executive summaries for the week, scoured Pinterest for food and drink ideas for Bitches and Bourbon (that’s the name, I don’t care what Facebook makes us call it), finished work on our monogram, soaked for a really long time in the tub, and went to bed super early.

When I step back and look at it, I did a hell of a lot. What I did not do was the big-ticket items on the Big Rock List

  • I did not exercise (although I did a meditation session so that I could get the little circle on the date – see streaks can be a bitch)
  • I did not write

But I did do things that supported both of those activities.

I rested and put Epsom salt in my bubble bath because my body is sore. I did a Peloton bootcamp Thursday and a 60-minute ride Saturday. I needed a rest day.

I read. And writers read. I thought about writing. I read about writing. I supported other writers. And I knew that not writing words yesterday would require writing more words today. That was a trade I felt good about making. It is also a trade I have made before and didn’t make good. But I don’t beat myself up over past failures. I trust myself to learn and grow. I took the day off.

Interestingly enough, this was also the day the summary for the 5 Second Rule was on deck. Unfortunately, the foreword at the very beginning billed it as a “one-size-fits-all solution.” I instantly became skeptical. Is that my pessimism showing? I’m not even really a pessimist, but I am realer than I have ever been and something about billing yourself as a “one-size-fits-all solution” just causes a side-eye.

I get the premise and I can’t disagree – 5-4-3-2-1 go! is the idea.

  • Don’t want to get out of bed? 5-4-3-2-1 go!
  • Don’t want to answer that email? 5-4-3-2-1 go!
  • Don’t want to go to the gym? 5-4-3-2-1 go!

You get the point.

This book employs some of the same ideas as others of its ilk and I make the same note – “This is not applicable to my life.”

I cannot, will not, even if I wanted to, which I don’t, remove social media from my life. The product most successful currently at my company is social media driven – so there’s that. And let’s be completely transparent – just because I do not currently make money pushing publish does not mean I am opposed to it if it fits into my life. So even my hobbies and personality are on social media to connect with others who inspire me and enjoy what I have to say at least some of the time.

I cannot, will not, even if I wanted to, which I don’t, have a daily schedule. Ok, maybe that’s not entirely true and I just said it that way because it looks cool. But seriously, if you know me at all, what kind of miracle schedule creation do you have for me that comes close to fitting the way I actually live my life? I’ll wait and strongly consider writing you a check if you figure it out.

So, whatever, the 5 second thing isn’t going to change my life. But it was worth it to find this one little nugget of gold

I have a hard time finding the balance between not beating myself up when it doesn’t happen as fast as I’d like it to, and not wasting time while I wait for it to happen.

Full. Stop.

It has been a minute since I have encountered a sentence that so perfectly encapsulates a challenge that I feel but haven’t been able to identify. And here it is in all its frustrating glory.

I have a hard time finding the balance between not beating myself up when it doesn’t happen as fast as I’d like it to, and not wasting time while I wait for it to happen.

And I feel validated and (say what you want about how it sounds) supported by the universe. This showed up on the day where I was doing (contextually) nothing. On the day where I actively chose balance. In the middle of a period of time where I am learning to let go of expectations and just enjoy the flow. Where I am letting go of purpose, rate of return, results, and just feeding my Big Rocks because I can.

And today I will get on my bike, I will write the words, and I will appreciate the memory of a too long bubble bath and a too early bedtime that will make both of those things possible.

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Rituals and Routines

December 4, 2020 by

Deep work is the ability to focus without distraction on a cognitively demanding task. It’s a skill that allows you to quickly master complicated information and produce better results in less time.
~ Day 4 of the 28 Day Self-Growth Plan
Deep Work, by Cal Newport

First, let me thank you for your patience. I am also thanking myself for my own patience. This 28-day project isn’t just an attempt to achieve a new level of growth using 28 possibly well curated executive summaries. In fact, it isn’t that at all.

It is an attempt to prove that I can, in fact push publish every day. I think that sounds easier than what it actually is.

In my brain, there is A LOT that goes into pushing publish. There is content, appropriateness, ancillary repercussions, images, readability, relatability, accountability, spelling, grammar, attribution, keywords, excitement, time, snippets, fear, love, explanation, context, word count, timing, completeness, structure, reception, clarity, purpose, intention, the white spaces…

See, my brain is a super fun place…

However, I have a theory that it isn’t really all that complicated. I have a theory that suggests I have made it that complicated so I can have a ready-made excuse for not doing it. See, I got rid of all my legitimate excuses some time ago. What I didn’t let go of fully was my fear. But that can’t be the reason because, well, I have made a commitment to not let fear run my show. So, let me make this other reason.

It isn’t that complicated to push publish. Images and all that website stuff are easy – find them or *gasp* just don’t use them. Most of that other stuff assumes I make money doing this – I don’t. I mean, wouldn’t that be fine, but I write because it is who I am, not because it is what I do. So, if it sucks sometimes, so what? Don’t like it? Whatever, you got it for free. We can both try again tomorrow.

And that’s kinda what happened yesterday. I was in a headspace that was a tad overwhelming. I had a few choices that ranged from faking it to quitting and skipping the day. I decided to just say it – I can’t even today, I have given you what I have, I have given myself what I had, I’m going to go do something else now, we will try again tomorrow. And then I hit publish.

Then I started to work on clearing out the clutter in my brain. Fun fact, it didn’t work – but it did improve and that’s good enough for me. There’s no reason to think I can fix whatever in a day. More importantly, I am not broken. I am wondrous just the way I am and just happen to be the kind of person who regularly wonders, “How much better can I be?”

So as the universe is apt to do, today’s executive summary suggests that distracted work (shallow work) and multi-tasking are counterproductive to real cognitive work (deep work).

This is tough for me because my day to day is not typical. I have several work environments in my home and office. I am the COO of our home and our business. I am a full-time college student with a hybrid online/in person schedule. I have children, employees, friends. I have a husband who may or may not still be 15 years old and is the poster child for ADHD. In short, the only thing that is definite on my calendar is kid drop off and pick up from school – and even that isn’t always my responsibility.

For instance, right this very second, my assistant sent me a text about a work related issue, the dryer played its “hey, I’m done come get your clothes out before I wrinkle them” song, and my coffee needs a warm up. But I am in the middle of a sentence here and if I get up, I know there is a good chance I won’t be able to pick up this thought again because it’s a real time thought. But priorities…and now I am ankle deep in a dilemma of where to focus my attention.

In all honesty, I like it this way. So, I don’t like ALL of it. But when I consider the alternatives, this works for me. What I lose in structure and security I gain in freedom and flexibility.

But I don’t think Newport is wrong:

Deep work requires a distraction-free environment, a high level of concentration, and it ultimately improves your skills, which in turn leads to value addition…

When an individual switches from task A to Task B, his 100 percent attention does not automatically switch to the new task, some remains stuck at the original task A. This is attention residue…even if you complete task A before switching, part of your attention will still remain on task A for a while. Working in a semi-distraction state is counterproductive…you create a new target for your attention, and by seeing a task B you cannot accomplish at the moment, you will be switching back to task A, with task B left unfinished.

The answer in my opinion – block scheduling.

What’s the one thing that will not ever work in my life – block scheduling.

You may think this would frustrate me. In another life it would have. Not in this one. In this one, I understand that there is more than one answer. I also understand that while Newport is right, he is not the ONLY right.

I am thankful for this particular attention getter today. It has reminded me that it is time to consider my planner choice for 2021. In 2020 I switched from a paper planner to a digital planner using GoodNotes and BOSS Personal Planner. I am not opposed to this setup again. I am opposed to not checking out other options. So, it went on my list of things to do today.

Block schedules don’t work for me. But lists do and I have gotten much better at using them (damn dryer is making noise AGAIN – I can HEAR the clothes wrinkling!) Robust planners with daily pages and monthly overviews keep me focused without being confining and flexible without forgetting. The digital piece works for me because I take my iPad everywhere. Literally, I picked my newest handbag based on this singular fact.

Newport suggested that life be “rituals and routines.” I understand the premise. I am not interested in the implementation. There is almost always more than one way to do the thing…

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The Knowledge of Fallibility

December 3, 2020 by

You are more likely to learn something by finding surprises in your own behavior than by hearing surprising facts about people in general.
~ Day 3 of the 28 Day Self-Growth Plan
Thinking, Fast and Slow, by Daniel Kahneman

Today’s summary was a tough read. I think it is because it is more material heavy than many books in this genre and therefore harder to summarize. Written by Noble Prize winner Daniel Kahneman, there is a ton of supporting science explaining the way the brain works to make choices. If someone was super interested in that kind of thing, get the whole book – this summary ain’t gonna cut it.

What it DID do, however, was leave me feeling completely validated in my crazy. I am not entirely sure that was the author’s intent, yet here we are. The steps offered to help control the thought process is one I do all the time. I don’t know that any of my mental work has ever been labeled “fast,” but it is methodical and, evidently, scientifically supported.

That’s so scary.

I am not entirely sure where to go from here in today’s musings. The idea of a summary of the summary is not very appealing. That was never my intention for this little project and I am not super interested in making an exception. The whole of the notes I took while reading the summary are pretty wide encompassing. I have don’t the patience, nor expect you to have it, to write a dissertation outlining my brain spaghetti. Honestly, I don’t even know that I am equipped for that kind of undertaking yet.

What I am equipped for is telling you about the surprising way in which the scientific facts of the Nobel Prize winning psychologist reminded me of a passage written by Pat Conroy. Dr. Kahneman says:

Inadequate and inaccurate history about the past tend to affect the present and the future…The illusion of understanding is a major determinant in the way people think and approach life. The knowledge of the past, rewritten to suit certain narratives, only talk about things that happened, neglecting things that didn’t happen. These narratives have created the belief in humans that as long as they can know the past, they can shape the future. But how well can a future be shaped when the knowledge about the past is a result of an inaccurate description?

This unfortunate truth is something that I have always been keenly aware of. I understand how flawed my memory is. I also understand how accurate it can be. Unfortunately, because accuracy is not 100%, there is never a time when my account of my own life cannot be called into question by someone else. For a long time I allowed this singular fact to be wielded like a weapon across my boundaries, my beliefs, and my ownership of my story.

Pat Conroy says:

I will speak from my memory- my memory- a memory that is all refracting light slanting through prisms and dreams, a shifting, troubled riot of electrons charged with pain and wonder. My memory often seems like a city of exiled poets afire with the astonishment of language, each believing in the integrity of his own witness, each with a separate version of culture and history, and the divine essentional fire that is poetry itself.

Yet the laws of recall are subject to distortion and alienation. Memory is a trick, and I have lied so often to myself about my own role and the role of others that I am not sure I can recognize the truth about those days. But I have come to believe in the unconscious integrity of lies. I want to record even them. Somewhere in the immensity of the lie the truth gleams like the pure, light-glazed bones of an extinct angel… I write my own truth, in my own time, in my own way, and take full responsibility for its mistakes and slanders. Even the lies are part of my truth.

Because my memory is imperfect does not make my ability to move forward into the future impossible. Everyone has an imperfect memory – even those who are nearly perfect. We must move forward anyway. Because my memory is imperfect does not make me incapable of knowing and understanding my past. It does not forfeit my ownership of my story. It does not remove my right to put voice to it.

It does require, in my personal moral lexicon, that I refuse the allure of indignation – righteous or otherwise – at least most of the time. Because I attempt fairness in that my memory may not be reliable, I must also concede that my recollection of mistreatment may be flawed. Do not misunderstand, some events are simply fact and I give no quarter to myself or others in those. However, the subjective is left open, at least in part, to interpretation.

However, it is time to let that knowledge of fallibility cease to be a reason to not put voice to my thoughts. “I write my own truth, in my own time, in my own way, and take full responsibility for its mistakes and slanders. Even the lies are part of my truth.”

I’m going to go workout – I’m too much even for myself today…

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Today I Choose Gratitude

December 2, 2020 by

What if there is a “not-so-obvious” secret that is guaranteed to transform any — or literally every area of your life, faster than you ever thought possible? That it would only take 6 minutes a day?
~ Day 2 of the 28 Day Self-Growth Plan
The Miracle Morning: The Not-So-Obvious Secret Guaranteed to Transform Your Life (Before 8AM), by Hal Elrod

During a ride the other day, Ally Love said, “The opposite of gratitude is criticism.” I am still chewing on that because, as much as my literal brain rejects it, there is something about that idea that resonates in my soul pretty deeply. So much so, in fact, that it has succeeded (at least for now) in placing itself at the forefront of my brain. I still need to pay attention to how that affects intellectually honesty and healthy boundaries, but for now, it is creating more calm and kindness so I am just going with it.

Day 2 was an exercise in gratitude for me. Beginning with the beginning, I was not excited about the reading. It felt like the worst click-bait tag. Then I remind myself that sometimes I am thankful for clickbait and cheesy marketing. Didn’t a jacked frog get me here after all? So, I chalk it up to my own morning and move forward.

And I have nothing else to say about the Day 2 selection except it wasn’t for me.

I will say that I was grateful for the 15 minutes I spent reading it as it turned into a great emotional and mental workout for me. I’ll try and explain.

There was quite a bit in it that I didn’t agree with and even disliked as concepts. This puts me at odds with folks like Robert Kiyosaki (Rich Dad Poor Dad) and both these guys have made way more money than me.

What I think we have talked about before is my knee jerk to accept fault (I’ll go look in a minute as I don’t want to lose my train of thought here because I am barely holding on to it). If I find myself on opposite ends of an idea that involves character, any of my Big Rocks, or with a person who can be reasonably assumed to be more capable (that’s is a shit way to put it but things like smarter, more successful, better aren’t much better – but I hope you get my meaning)… If I find myself on opposite ends in a situation like that, I tend to question myself first, give the other side the benefit of the doubt, and live in that position for far longer than is healthy.

To expand a little – I don’t think this tactic is wrong. I think considering myself first and remaining humble enough to consider my possibility of error first and empathetic enough to extend the benefit of the doubt first is a fine step one. My problem is my intention has been historically wrong and I stay there too long. In the ago, I assumed I must be wrong. I was not considering the possibility of my error; I am certain it is there I just had to find it.

Now, I consider those ideas differently. It takes practice. Sometimes that practice is hard and involves uncomfortable and important situations. That isn’t fun. I appreciate times like this where it is great practice and the consequences are almost nonexistent.

I understand that reputable folks find these particular ideas helpful. I am thankful that they had that. I did not. I appreciate books like this as they remind me that free thinking is important and the practice of individual idea is a healthy one. I could be critical (and let me be clear, I do not think a productive critique is bad). Today instead, I choose gratitude.

Sidenote: I did go back and look for the “I think we have discussed this before” post. Turns out I’ve discussed it a lot. I don’t apologize as it is a pretty big part of becoming a better me, but I do appreciate the space. Y’all are saints and I love you.

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The Big Rocks

December 1, 2020 by

A mini habit is a very small positive behavior that you force yourself to do every day; a mini habit’s “too small to fail” nature makes it weightless, deceptively powerful, and a superior habit-building strategy.
~ Day 1 of the 28 Day Self-Growth Plan
Mini Habits: Smaller Habits, Bigger Results, by Stephen Guise

If you have been around me for any length of time, you know there are a few things I am passionate about

  • I strive to be a decent person. I pride myself on the wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, I try to be.
  • I strive to be a writer. I am a lover of words and pride myself on being pretty good with them.
  • I strive to be a healthier version of myself. I pride myself on my body’s strength and my connection with how my body best functions.
  • I strive to be successful. I pride myself on my business acumen and my ability raise the tide of my ship and those around me.

I berate myself mercilessly when I fail at these things. I shower condemnation on myself when I lose consistency. I apologize for being less than when I feel like I haven’t lived up to.

It is exhausting. It is unproductive.

It is no way I would treat another person. It is consistently how I treat myself.

To adjust these huge roles in my life to where I can strive without losing contentment, aspire without overwhelming myself into paralysis seems quite the feat. Therefore, this idea is very appealing.

A mini habit is basically a much smaller version of a new habit you want to form. 100 push-ups daily is minified into one push-up daily. Writing 3,000 words daily becomes writing 50 words daily. Thinking positively all the time becomes thinking two positive thoughts per day. Living an entrepreneurial lifestyle becomes thinking of two ideas per day (among other entrepreneurial things).

You may [do] more than that. But never less.

There’s some additional science included about the prefrontal cortex, the formation of habit, and the efficient expending of mental energy. I particularly appreciated the new look at motivation for a new perspective

Motivation is an important feeling with many benefits. But think of it as a bonus, something nice when it appears… Motivation is unreliable because it’s based on how you feel, and we’ve known for centuries that human feelings are fluid and unpredictable.

So, I am drinking the koolaid on this one. I head over to minihabits.com and take a look around.

Ok, what actually happens is WAY more embarrassing and I will still tell you.

What actually happens is I try and figure out what my mini habits are going to be. My brain flashes back to years ago when I read Stephen Covey’s The 7 Habits for Highly Effective People. Big Rocks. I need to identify my Big Rocks and create mini habits out of those. But what are my Big Rocks? OMG I have no clue! My life is pretty different than the last time I did this. Wait! I think I still have the book. Covey can tell me what my Big Rocks are (you can laugh, I already know how it sounds).

Grabs flashlight on iPhone as to not blind my husband who is still waking up with the overhead light. I go rifling through my bookshelf and god bless that man he doesn’t even ask (he is probably pretty sure at that hour of the morning he doesn’t want to know). I cannot find the book, but I do find the workbook and that should be even better, right?!? It is not.

So, I move on to Google and think “Seriously, why didn’t I just start here?” Well, because Google sucks for this kind of thing (think a sneeze and WebMD).

I start with a completely innocent google search of “What are my big rocks” (because if Facebook can know that I just glanced at a Brahmin handbag while walking through Macy’s because it looked kinda like a mermaid and then fill my feed up with ads for the exact bag, Google should know what my damn Big Rocks are).

Forbes treats me to a brilliant article about priorities. In this article, I learn that “priorities” (thank you Mark Nevins) wasn’t even a WORD until the mid-20th century. Seriously. Look it up. The word “priority” (Latin root prioritas meaning “the most important thing”) entered the English language in the 14th century. Priority. Singular. Took SIX CENTURIES for the word to achieve plurality because really, how can you have plural most important things?

So, if you know anything about me and my Many, you know I am useless for the rest of the day. FFS. How am I going to say what ONE THING is most important? What kind of person even does that? But it’s hard to argue with six centuries and the literal meaning of “most”.

So, I throw the whole idea away and go do laundry. You know shit has gotten bad when laundry is a better option.

But I have committed to writing about the experience so, I eventually sit down to do that. At that point I write

If you have been around me for any length of time, you know there are a few things I am passionate about – – I strive to be a decent person…

And there they are – My Big Rocks. The things that are important enough to me to destroy myself if I don’t give them the proper attention. And a light bulb goes off…it’s not about priority (singular or plural), it’s not about most, it’s not even about important.

Those things just are who I am. They are my big pieces. They are what make everything else in my life fit. They may shrink and expand to fill the available or needed space, but they are always there. I always need them, and they always need me.

So, THEN I head over to minihabits.com

Seriously, this is my life…

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The Jacked Frog

November 30, 2020 by

Facebook got me again. I will admit it. I am the reason Facebook ads are a thing. Maybe because it is my job. Maybe I am just impulsive. Maybe I am just a sucker for cute marketing. Whatever the reason, I clicked the damn ad. It was probably the jacked frog. I mean really, if you can scroll past a jacked frog are you really even paying attention?

Anyway, I clicked it. It leads you through a predictable list of demographic and preferences questions. At the end, I realize it is attempting to curate a list of 28 self-help executive summaries aligned with my goals and preferences. For about $25, they will deliver these summaries to my email – 1 for each of the next 28 days.

A few things led to my decision

  1. I kinda like executive summaries on books like this. It has been my experience that (with a few notable exceptions) many of these books can be boiled down to a book report and still be effective.
  2. There are a few books on the list I have read and find reputable.
  3. This is the right time of the year for this kind of project for me.
  4. I’m quarantined and a little bored.
  5. I’ve spent $25 on dumber shit.
  6.  They have a jacked frog.

So, I pushed the button.

As promised, the files were delivered along with an invitation to use Dropbox to store them forever. I don’t need Dropbox so I just kept moving along.

The first file is billed as a printable checklist of the next 28 days. Usually I would do this, but I am attempting to move away from my utter dependence on pen and paper. I wish I could tell you it is out of some newfound, next level conservationist ideals I have or minimalist life I am adopting. Alas, the motivation is selfish – I would only be printing it because I think that will make me more likely to stick with it. I can print it and pretend like it raises my chances (it won’t) and then I am just going to lose it anyway. Instead, I decide to practice the art of being real with myself and stick with the ecopy. It helps that I have discovered LiquidText while in school.

I skim the “Self-Growth Plan” ever so skimmily and think this could be useful. The 28 days are split into four weekly topics

  1. Productivity
  2. Love & Sex
  3. Money & Career
  4. Happiness

I like this too as it instantly reminds me of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs – a hierarchy that I, anecdotally, can find no fault with.

So, I will give it 28 days (maybe) and I am already not mad at the $25 if I don’t. We will see…

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My Disagreement with the “Gratitude Practice”

April 22, 2020 by

I feel so much gratitude for my life.

The random, jacked up staircase is becoming a reoccurring characteristic in my dreams and I am finding it very interesting.

There are my two true sentences today.

The idea of gratitude is multifaceted for me.

I realize my life is a blessing. I understand that the challenges I experience in my day to day – even the larger ones – pale in comparison to challenges faced by others. While I am amazingly grateful for those truths, they are not why I have gratitude. I do not view my challenges as less than because I am not a practitioner of comparing strife no more than I am a practitioner of comparing blessings. My shit is my shit. I own it, I walk it, I do not apologize for it, and I do not allow it to be weighed and measure against someone else’s shit. I do not experience gratitude because I am supposed to.

I feel like I am an incredibly grateful person. I do not, however, have what many would call a “gratitude practice.” I am not completely convinced that I am right to not put more priority into developing this practice; I’m not completely convinced that I am wrong either.

I have been told that an intentional gratitude practice can be an effective antidote for fear. I have found that idea manifests itself in the exact opposite way in my life. Focused, planned, intentional gratitude, especially at this stage of my life, creates more fear – not less. I understand how that may sound. Let me try to explain it this way. When I feel grateful in the moment, it is pure joy. When I reflect and concentrate on all the things I have to be grateful for, fear that I can do something, say something, even think something, wrong and mess it all up becomes overwhelming. Of course this is an irrational thought and I get back to the rational, eventually. It is the getting there that leaves me flat for a while.

Therefore, I have, for the time being, let go of the idea that, for me, a tangible gratitude practice is something I need to implement. These types of realizations – the ones that fly in the face of all the memes, social shares, bumper sticker thoughts – always create open loops for me.

  • Am I simply justifying things to fit what I do or don’t want to do
  • If so many other folks are saying this is “the way,” does that make me wrong
  • Am I the only one that thinks this way

And so on – you get the picture.

While some loops are too much for me to tackle, I try to close as many as I can. I always tackle the justification loop first and head on. This one is the most important to me (maybe) and typically pretty easy (benefit). Intellectual honesty is one of my highest priorities; feel good justification is the exact opposite of that.

Because this fight with gratitude and what it is “supposed” to look like has gone on for so long, I have already closed this loop by testing the theory. I have attempted, repeatedly, to create an active, intentional, gratitude practice. My results have always been the same. Now, one could argue that this testing is flawed because I already had a bias from past encounters with this habit. I will concede the point. I will not concede the results. Because I am not attempting to restructure any broad sweeping mental health protocol, I am good with the “if it works for millions of people, but doesn’t work for me, I am leaving it to those millions and finding my alternative” stance.

The “they” loop comes in many different varieties and surfaces in nearly every topic. The unescapable “they” are always hanging out ready to pounce on challenges (especially if it’s not one they particularly have) and claim enlightened, woke, light bringing, nirvana level achieved, Karen education to your “know better, do better” ignorant ass.

Sidenote: I have seen the push to put “Karen” in the slur category. Maybe tomorrow (probably not). Today, however, I find that ridiculous. Some names just have their place in the world. Karen has been given hers. Is your name Karen and you are not, in fact, a Karen? Don’t become a Karen – hang out with a Richard, he has tons of pointers on how not to be a dick.

Sidenote: Maya Angelou would be devastated (ok, maybe not devastated because she is the incomparable Ms. Angelou) if she saw how the “know better, do better” idea has turned into this perversion of passive aggressive behavior. Therefore, I have not attributed the quote to her as that is not the quote I am using – I am using Karen’s version of the quote. For a full explanation, I introduce you to Jenna.

Anyway, “they”…in all fairness, I don’t really consider them anymore and that, my friends, is a benefit of a healthy relationship with my husband and excellent therapy. The “really” part is the key though. I can’t stop the loop from opening, therefore, I can’t ignore it. I have to do the work:

Me: Oh look, it’s “they” trying to stir up shit again.

Other Me: *Doesn’t look up from iPhone* Who cares?

Me: Well, I think I do a little. I mean what if “they”…

Other Me: Stop

Me: No seriously, what if “they” have a point this time?

Other Me: *facepalm* Ok, say it.

Me: Well, “they” could.

Other Me: Say it.

Me: But…

Other Me: Say. It.

Me: Fuck “they”

Other Me: Thank you…are we done here? Again?

Me: Yes, thank you.

Other Me: Anytime

Sidenote: Other Me is not really a bitch. She just has a lot to do in my brain trying to control The Many.

Then there is the “am I alone in this” loop. Once I have closed the justification and “they” loops, this one is pretty much over. It moves from a question couched in fear to one interested in connection with other folks – for the benefit of both myself and others who may also feel like they are less than because of an idea they have that doesn’t fit a bumper sticker.

Ok, this free flow brain stuff works…except I have gone on long enough today…the stairs will have to wait until another time. Thanks for hanging out 😊

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That’s my secret, Captain. I’m always angry

April 20, 2020 by

I am losing my journey.

Ok, so I am trying to get into writing the truest sentence I know first, then working through all the stuff later. So let me expound on that just a bit and see where we go.

I am still afraid. I am not going to talk about being afraid today because frankly, it is exhausting. I’m like the Incredible Hulk of fear.

That’s my secret, Captain. I’m always angry.

How tired did Bruce look when he said that, I mean, for real.

Ok, so today’s little offering may not be very elegant, and I am going to be okay with that. I am just going to tell it how it goes. While it may not suit my ego, it suits the purpose – the purpose to stop sacrificing the journey.

  • I type “I am the Incredible Hulk of fear”
  • I google “Incredible Hulk angry” in order to make sure I get the quote exactly right – I am not looking to piss off my fellow Marvel fans today.
  • The very first thing that pops up is a StackExchange forum discussing the meaning behind the quote. I find the teaser intriguing and click through.
  • It’s really good. In fact, it is so good, I am going to interrupt my original thought, sacrifice elegance, and substitute flow of thought.
  • Forum participant, Avner Shahar-Kashtan offers:

In the beginning of the Avengers movie, Black Widow finds Banner in India, treating sick children. This isn’t just a humanitarian endeavor for him; Banner purposefully surrounds himself with injustice – with poverty, with senseless death – so that he could be constantly angry at something.

Being constantly angry allows him to keep his anger under control – it’s not a sudden spike of anger that disrupts his concentration and lets the Hulk out, it’s a constant, background anger that lets him decide when to unleash the green beast.

From the script:

 NATASHA ~ You know, for a man who’s supposed to be avoiding stress, you picked a hell of a place to settle.

BANNER ~ Avoiding stress isn’t the secret.

This doesn’t say it explicitly, but implies to me that his choice of location and activity are part of his secret.

In a flash, this provokes a few other references

  • Rocky and Mr. T
  • Elizabeth Gilbert in Big Magic
  • Joyce Meyer’s “Do it Afraid”

Actually, that’s not entirely true. The first two were flashes, the last one happened while typing the other two. Just trying to keep the actual flow here since this is a bit different for me.

Anyway, I am still not real keen on talking about me being afraid today – it is still exhausting. But this general look that I have discovered on my way to saving the missed journey is interesting.

  • Bruce learned to manage his anger by confronting it, immersing himself in it.
  • Rocky nearly lost himself because he refused to acknowledge his fear.
  • Elizabeth Gilbert has created a boundaries for hers; it is not allowed to impact the journey.
  • The Joyce Meyer one I don’t really remember. I read that one a long time ago but I am pretty sure it went something like “everybody is afraid of something. God has you. Do it afraid.”

My strategy isn’t any of these. It is more Piglet in nature; let’s not get anywhere close to anything that is scary. Let’s just sit here on this nice patch of earth and just love each other.

That really isn’t working for me. It is obvious my fight, flight, freeze is all out of whack. Hence the exhaustion, hence the lost journey.

I have done a lot of really neat stuff this year that have been accompanied by neat thoughts, incredible conversations, and new ideas. I have written about none of them. Fear takes my words first. I intended to write much more often this, year. I was going to document the college journey, the business progress, the life at home – all of it. I am so grateful for this rich and amazing life I have. I was committed to preserving it better, honoring it more, passing it down with better record by way of this keyboard.

We know what they say about the road to hell…

  • I am nearly finished with my first semester of college – and it has been amazing
  • I am on day 28 of a quarantine that has had me nearly 98% housebound and isolated. My day to day life, like so many others, is nothing like anything I have experienced before
  • My husband is a licensed pilot and an adventurer
  • Our oldest daughter and her boyfriend have bought their first home, our youngest has been accepted into the STEM program
  • I am running a pretty successful business
  • I have reengaged with my fitter self
  • I am reading A LOT

I have had time. I have had things to write about. I have memories that I have lost already. They go so fast. Oh sure, I can go back through, peek at my calendar, get a pretty good feel for what was going on and give you a record. But I am too far removed to give you an account. I am too much changed to give the in the moment words. Think I am exaggerating? Think about how much time it takes you to reconsider a knee jerk. Myself, it takes me very little time – my go to is to consider nearly everything a knee jerk and thus analyze it immediately. And I go back to it, boy do I ever go back to it, just to make sure I haven’t created some unfixable chasm in the universe. Therefore, a few days, weeks later, when I go back to recall the moment, I can pretend like all the updates aren’t there – but they are.

So I am losing my journey. More correctly, I am allowing fear to corrupt my journey. I am worried what other things I might be losing to fear…

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Uncaging Courage

January 1, 2020 by

What’s got your courage caged? I have been walking around in a fog for days trying to figure out how I am going to walk into the new year with no real answer or where to start or where I want to go.

Couple of things (not literally because I am not sure how many things I have). First, this time of the year is always amazing for me. My brain is perpetually opening loops. Therefore, I have to be consistent about closing them or they will drive me absolutely crazy. They hook into each other and mesh where they have no commonality. They will bleed into each other creating their own new brand of loop that seems real but it completely fictitious. They will connect together to form themselves into big giant distractions of paralyzing mazes of “what if”s. Therefore, I have made it a habit each year to take the six days between Christmas and New Year’s to wrap up the old year and make welcome the new. Kinda like a cache clean out or a car detail. Not so much a focus on resolutions or declarations, just a little wash down.

Second, I haven’t been able to write lately. I know I have all these ideas about writer’s block and making time and schedules and priorities. But I just didn’t have it in me. Not being able to write, not having the words – or rather, not letting the words have me – create for a tough time of untangling thoughts.

Third, well, life is pretty great. I am a blessed woman. I am safer, more loved, better couched, more stable, than I have ever been. So when my brain goes into the all the “should” – I should be better to myself, I should exercise more, I should be more productive, I should have more accomplished, I should focus, I should be a better (insert whatever role happens to be forefront at the moment) – I begin to feel guilty for being unappreciative of all my haves. It takes a minute to get to the point where I remember that life is not a vacuum. Many things can be true at the same time – even when they seem to be at odds with each other. I could be more intentional about my gratitude practice – that does not mean I am ungrateful. There are improvements I can make. In fact, it is my belief that there are always improvements that can be made – that does not mean my place in life isn’t magnificent.

So now here I am, the second to the last day of the year, and I have spent more time than is typical trying to find the first word, the first idea, that will act as the catalyst and detangler for all the other ideas. That momentum that closes and sorts loops into something I can use when I sit down with my Happy Planner without feeling completely overwhelmed and deflated.

To that end, I have found a few things. The first was from my journal, the second from my husband, the third from a woman I don’t know. They have come together to give me just a hint of where I need to start. I am currently 539 words in attempting to avoid writing the truest sentence I know. The sentence that is clogging up everything else…

I am still afraid.

There it is. That’s not so bad. Actually, it sucks pretty good. I hate everything about it except that it’s finally released from my fingers. It has been haunting around my head for a few months now waiting to be acknowledged as the next thing that I really need to deal with. I said it once to my husband. Well, I didn’t really say it. I wasn’t very direct so it didn’t really do what it needed to do. I called up my therapist who I have not seen in over a year and asked if I could come by, but I didn’t say it at all then. I have heard it echo loudly in my brain more than once, but never gave it the space it needed.

But, I am still afraid. I am more secure and more loved and happier than I have ever been. My bent towards fear should be straightening out. Interesting thing I am learning – fear follows the same rules as all other energy. You can’t just dispel it – it has to be transformed into something else. The dispel part was great. I regained my life, my heart, my peace of mind. It is good. However, I have so much more to lose now, if I were to fall, the drop is steeper, the stakes higher. There is no longer that fear, but there is this fear.

I have found that I have gone back to editing myself to protect against the scary things. Not in the whitewash, fake way I used to (win!) but in a subtler way that leaves me feeling a bit muted. It is frustrating to be in this place but I am finding encouragement in the real things. Most importantly, this edit, while not ideal, is more palatable as it is a condition I place upon myself versus the feeling of being put upon. While there is fear and cautious movement, it is of my own doing and therefore in my control. Realizing you are in control of nothing but yourself is a powerful position if you understand what you are working with. It is also scary because there is no scapegoat – it is all you.

Now that I have that out of the way, I have some decisions to make…some truths to figure out.

“What’s got your courage caged?”

That one is easy – fear. Fear has my courage caged.

I want it to keep being easy. The next obvious question is, “Fear of what?” This is a question I ask myself regularly. However, it is usually in response to a particular situation, feeling, instance. Tackling it as a 360 degree life view is something else entirely. It’s deeper, rooted in soil I haven’t turned in a long time, shaded by uncertainty, and covered in years of push down.

What I do know today is that I do not know the answer. If I had to guess, there’s probably some fear of loss, abandonment, attachment, and just a general fear of being unworthy of love or goodness. Unfortunately, even if that turns out to be right, I have learned I can’t dispel it by simply naming it. I have to understand it, I have to overcome it and convert the negative energy into a usable one.

The Motives of People

While it may not seem like I have made any real headway in this journey today, I can assure you it doesn’t feel that way. The questions that may come up may not always be fun, but they are necessary to keep out the crazies. And that negative kind of way? I’m just going to keep leaning into the support that I couldn’t be more thankful to have. Hello 2020…let’s see about uncaging some courage…

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