It all Started with a Trip to the Chinese Buffett

April 30, 2012 by

On this beautiful Monday morning, I am confident the weather will be glorious and I can smell the coffee percolating in the kitchen. I am reflecting on a wonderful weekend full of rest, relaxation, productivity, family time, and a long run that I truly enjoyed. The house is relatively clean and the laundry is not exploding into the hallway. Life is a beautiful thing.

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On this Monday morning from hell, I roll out of bed and realize I am already 30 minutes behind schedule (probably because I set unrealistic goals to begin with). I forgot to put the coffee on last night and now have to wait until it brews. There are dishes in the sink and dirty clothes on the bathroom floor. And I have gained 7 pounds over the weekend! This is just like a Monday and I should just go back to bed.

Woo hoo y’all! Look at me! My Sybil is showing! I am, in fact, currently experiencing both mornings at the same time. Perception is a doll baby, ain’t she?

In all honesty, I believe most of us have these types of moments far more often than we think. Unfortunately, I often think that it is some weird psycho-warped chick thing and just ignore it. At it’s worse, in order to ignore it, I take the path of least resistance (yep, that’s the second one). The problem with that action is this – while it is way easier and takes far less energy to get pissed off and depressed, it consumes far more energy over time than maintaining a positive perceptive. In other words, you may jump off the line quicker, but you likely won’t finish well.

You have probably noticed that none of this has anything to do with a Chinese buffet. Well…that’s because it doesn’t. I usually write real-time and have no idea where I am going until I get there and…this is quickly becoming yet another post, so I will get back to the Chinese buffet and hopeful remember to come back and elaborate on this other topic later – or not, pretty sure the world won’t end either way…well, not because of that.

As many of you know, I have recently began to look at my health in a new and proactive way. I took up running and I got fit. I went back to the weights and I got strong. I changed the way I ate and I got slim. I went to the Chinese buffet on Friday and I felt guilty.

Yep, guilty. I almost never eat red meat, pork, or fowl. I am whole foods mostly (while not necessarily raw). I juice. I hydrate. I seriously limit processed foods and carbonated beverages. I exercise maybe 4 or 5 times a week – and I am talking ugly faced, sweat making, not going to be cute running into the grocery store afterwards exercise.

Then the husband took me to lunch, on a weekday, with no children…I love those. And I enjoyed it and the Chinese buffet. Then I spent all day Saturday with the three youngest children. We did yoga in the park. Morgan “dreams of Waffle House.” The others would be good and keep their rooms clean forever if I would just get them fro-yo. We did both. My mother invited us for dinner. And it was wonderful (and I am not just talking about the food). Sunday was gorgeous and Mark was dying to grill. We had chicken and fresh corn on the cob. I said I almost never eat chicken. And who grills without a beer?

What part of that doesn’t sound wonderful? The 7 pounds part. And if I am honest with myself, the average weight fluctuates a pretty good bit depending on water retention, time of the day, etc. And if I am really honest with myself, I pay too much attention to that damn scale anyway!

The moral of story is ~

Yes, I cannot eat 25 pounds of food at a Chinese buffet everyday. I cannot have both Lovin’ Spoons and 32 Degrees in the same weekend, every weekend and call it a “consumer comparison.” Waffle House is a treat, not a staple.

No, there is nothing to feel guilty about. Being hard on ourselves for things that are relatively insignificant is worse for our health that the actual thing. Being good to our bodies includes the occasional indulgence. But the whole purpose of an indulgence is to enjoy it! A jacked up perception sabotages that. And I am not interested in self sabotage.

It is a glorious Monday 🙂

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Super Pissed at Rock ‘n’ Roll Marathon Savannah 2011

November 7, 2011 by

Ok, so maybe I am not pissed at them…maybe I am super pissed at me.

The Rock ‘n’ Roll Marathon in Savannah was this past weekend. However, it has been sold out since August. I didn’t even run my first under 10 minute mile until mid September. It wasn’t on my radar.

Ok, so maybe it was on my radar. I get lofty like that. I had a bunch of friends that were running it. Some were doing the full and lots were doing the half. I can do a half. 13.1? Sure, why not? I had already scored a 10 mile run (it was slow, but I finished). Yeah, too bad it’s sold out. Because I could so do that. Yeah.

Then came the day I logged an 11 mile run at a 9:43/mile average. That was cool. Then came the tweet from Bigbie (one of the best running buddies. Ever.) saying there were some spots that had opened up. As in not sold out. As in Cinderella can go to the ball. As in me. As in 13.1. In front of people…really, behind people.

Yeah, no. Quick brush off about registration fee and work and volunteerism…blah, blah, blah. End of subject.

I mean really, those things are a big deal. And who wants to run a race they have never even seen before, right? And really, isn’t it more responsible to not hurry these kinds of things and just make sure you are super prepared? Right?

Whatever. I chickened. Worse – I self sabotaged. I worked so hard to convince myself that this was a great decision that I had almost convinced myself I wasn’t really a runner. My run log last week was seriously lacking. Why? Because maybe I would never be prepared and maybe I started too late and maybe there are all those folks out there who really are runners and won’t that be embarrassing…

Now it was Saturday afternoon…Sunday…reports, stories, pictures are coming in. It was great, it was fun, it was wonderful. And none of them got handcuffed by the imposter police because they didn’t score a 6 minute pace.

And I missed it. Worse than missing it. I chose not to do it. I allowed my brain to jack up yet another wondrous capability that is mine.

So this morning I said screw it. I laced up my shoes and went for a run. Some where around mile 2 I felt better. Somewhere around mile 5 I thought about when I would turn around. Right around mile 6 I realized – I am going to run 13.1 today – because I can!

And that is exactly what I did. In under two hours.

I didn’t get a medal or a picture to post on facebook. But I did get a front row seat at life lesson reminder number…well, it’s a big one.

Forget fear. Forget brain jacks. Forget made up lies about inability and substandard fortitude.

Guess who will be there November 3, 2012 ready to eat 26.2 for breakfast. Until then, I have some new words to remember.

“Do it for fun…even if it is Monday.”

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The Verdict

August 8, 2011 by

It has been a great day. I felt pretty agitated when I wrote to you earlier. Well, maybe “agitated” is the wrong word. “Hyper” or “over stimulated” is probably better.

See, I want to be better. Ok, so I don’t like “better” either. It insinuates a substandard state. And frankly, I think I am an acceptable human being.  And I am tired of poor mouthing my sense of being to justify a journey to a different state. Damn, I feel the need to spare you this if you choose with another white rabbit.

Incidentally, my husband thinks the white rabbit should now be a mandatory writing style. He assured me that he didn’t mean he would skip MY thoughts to the white rabbit. Just when reading OTHER folks it would be helpful. Hmmm.

When I say there are things I want for me, I really don’t want those who share my current habits to feel like they are being judged – they are not. With very few exceptions (the over sexualization of children being THE BIG ONE) I am really okay with differences. We all have vices. You don’t want mine and I don’t want yours. Hell, most the time I don’t want mine and you don’t want yours. But it doesn’t mean we don’t want to be connected – vices and all.

But my brain is moving. My soul is tugging it so that it has little choice. Kinda dumb for me not to pay attention to that. Along the way, the nudges are supported by neat little events.

This morning I woke up to a request by Clint to engage and support TLW (The Loving Wife). She is kicking skin cancer’s ass. She isn’t afraid of showing you exactly what that looks like and her decisions that got her there. She is now educating folks on a different way. Notice I said educating – not belittling and negating. She emphasizes her healthy, active lifestyle. It is inspiring (“inspiring” is understanded, overused and contrite – it is soul stirring)

Awhile back I found Dinner: A Love Story. She is telling her story about getting her family to the table with great meals. Amazingly helpful.

Rocky likes vodka. We have that in common. She doesn’t ingest artificial anything – her mixes are all natural. Love this! I see a new way to be who I am, what I enjoy, while making different choices. Then she posts about 100 Days of Real Food. This chick is an all natural foodie…with kids…on a budget. Seriously? Is she in my brain?

So, my brain is working. I am feeling supported and affirmed. The day is good and I am thinking about the top 3. Think I have it worked out.

I get home and the kids wanna go for a walk to Grandma and Poppa’s house. Great idea. Hanging out at the their table I mention

Me: I think I am gonna quit smoking.
Pops: I saw that. I will quit with you.
Me: Really?
Pops: Yeah.
Me: Well, not today.
Pops: That’s good. I just bought a pack.
Me: Ok. Just let me know when you are finished.
Pops: That’ll be tomorrow.
Me: Ok. Tomorrow then.

At this point, Ma joins in (provided Pops doesn’t cheat like she insists he always does).

So, I am on the hook for tomorrow. Only thing is, I had already decided that the regular gym visits would be the top 3 victor. And I said only one thing at a time. But, seriously, how do you pass up an opportunity like that?

So, I promised a verdict and here it is. I am going against my better judgement because, quite frankly, sometimes my better judgement sucks. I am gonna tackle all three.

The original plan was start going to the gym, use sunscreen on whatever my next day in the sun was, and quit smoking when the effort at the gym was hindered by it. Well, that’s scraped.

So, my sneakers are ready, my plan is set. If it goes great – wonderful. If I hit some bumps in the road, meh, I won’t be the first.

Not starting on the foodie thing just yet – but it is on the radar.

Who knows. At least it will be interesting 🙂

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New Year’s is Overrated!

May 9, 2011 by

<<<This is what I woke up to this morning. But I am not an idiot. I knew this was happening. I have ignored it for quite sometime. But during my morning meditation (which is really prayer time, but I understand this practice is different for everyone), I knew that I had to confront it. And everything that went with it. And I knew I had to pull back the curtains as well.

Curtain pulling is important. I have been watching the confessions on Scary Mommy and it is easy to see the biggest problems are not the actual things confessed, but the feeling of isolation and aloneness. So many folks feel like their demons are special only to them and they are a failure in some way. The truth is, we all have them. Fear prevents us from naming them, refusing to name hinders support, lack of support hinders the battle, lack luster battle hinders victory. To me this says that we have to take out fear first. I am not afraid.

I am particular about my physical appearance. I make no excuses or apologies for that. I accept no judgement for it either. It is the way I am wired and I appreciate the barometer that it provides for other aspects of my life (we will get to that in a moment). Therefore, as it is beneficial to me and it is not a quality I require in others, I own it and value it.

I have gained 15 pounds in 6 months. For my height, this puts me on the outer limits of “normal” on the BMI scale. Not that I have ever put a whole lot of stock in “normal” but in this instance, the value refers to scientific guidelines on “healthy.” In that regards, “normal” is pretty important.

Understand, I am not a person that believes there is a certain dream weight or size that we should all strive to attain. There isn’t. I have been a gym rat size 2 in my late 20’s. The husband didn’t like it and good thing – the regime was so strict, I would have never been able to maintain it. Interestingly enough, I have come to the conclusion that if it is that hard, maybe it’s not my right fit. Don’t get me wrong – I appreciate hard work and dedication to the science of healthy – it just shouldn’t be a near impossible feat.

I am a person that believes that most things are consequences and symptoms – not necessarily the main issue. My weight gain is not the issue – it is the barometer speaking to the issues.

Since my bout with postpartum depression after the birth of my second child, mania and manic have been my demons to contend with. I am fortunate. They have been named, there is support and the battles – so far – have always resulted in my victory.

Since forever I have feared failure. In my family, in my social circles, in my professional life – this fear can be paralyzing. But it is named, there is support, and there is victory.

There are obviously other nuances in my self talk that create issues, but I think you get the point. I do not find glory in brokenness. There are no kudos for having the most demons. I do not believe that one person’s accomplishments are more heroic simply because the adversity was more great. I do not believe that a person must be in a gutter for us to appreciate their ability to climb to the apex. So I will not wallow – I will simply provide example so that you will be assured – you are not alone.

While I am fortunate to have victories, many demons take many victories to be completely conquered. And those battles can be exhausting. It is easy for one to become lazy and complacent. It is easy for one to justify lazy and complacent in the light of “don’t I deserve a break?” Of course I deserve a break…but breaks are uplifting and supportive. Lazy and complacent is sabotaging and enslaving. Obviously not the same thing. I have obviously allowed myself to slip into the latter.

Forget New Years…time to engage in this battle today…

 

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