In two weeks, I will start my junior year. At Georgia Southern. With the exception of one more lab science and my Spanish requirements, I am at the point where all my classes are ones I want to take. I want to get into how painful it is to have to take all the other “required core” classes, but I try and remind myself that there is a greater good purpose to those and it’s not the point I want to get into today anyway.
One of the classes this fall is “Writing for Publication.” As luck would have it, the professor has already opened (somewhat) the course and I spent a little time peeking around to see what I was in for. To say that I was comforted (I like to know as much as possible as early as possible), scared (it is a lot of real deal, big girl writing), and embarrassed (ask Jordan how many times she’s looked at me and said “I need content”) all in one big whirlwind of gross yummy feels is an understatement. I still am not sure how to quantify what exactly all of it was.
I can say it got me here to this keyboard, so that’s something.
The first assignment is, as you might expect, an introduction. For this introduction, the professor offered ideas for tidbits we may want to share about ourselves:
- Identify writing and publication goals (short term and long term)
- Describe a current writing project that you plan to work on in this class
- Reflect on what you think are some of your strengths and weaknesses as a writer
- Describe aspects of the publication process you want to know more about
It is damn near laughable the amount of panic I immediately felt in my chest. Laugh. Able. Seriously. If we are friends on Facebook, you can probably pinpoint the exact moment this happened (approximately 14:16 minutes before 4:38pm on Tuesday). I have gotten better at selfcare in my moments of paralysis caused by feeling overwhelmed or afraid. This video is a good one. And, the winning line is alllllll the way at the end so I am never tempted to turn the video off early.
“Chasing meaning is better for your health than trying to avoid discomfort.”
Kelly McGonigal
Feeling a bit more centered, I pulled out my iPad to beginning importing some material that needs to be read for the class. Another notebook was already opened. I use this excellent program called GoodNotes. If you are a notebook junkie like me, I cannot recommend it enough. However, if you are a notebook junkie like me, I feel compelled to warn you of one significant drawback; you can go overboard with it. When constricted by the physical nature of individual notebooks, some judgement and moderation is required. With GoodNotes, not so much. You can literally have as many notebooks as you want. Consequently, you can have as many notebooks as you want. If that doesn’t make sense to you, consider yourself lucky and move along. If you get it, just remember, I warned you.
Anyway, I opened up GoodNotes and found the notebook I use for my catch-all daily notebook was already opened. Sweet relief washed over me. I could procrastinate the task I was doing to focus on this other task (organizing the piecemeal notes) AND not have to call it procrastination because it was still productive and somewhere on my to do list. Again, confused – move along, nodding your head – not alone.
The notebook had been pretty neglected as of late meaning there we quite a few pages of scribbles that needed to be handled. As it was, either my luck was short lived, or the universe was having none of my little hide and seek justification today. One of the first notes I came across was a quote from Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly. “When our self-worth isn’t on the line, we are far more willing to be courageous and risk sharing our raw talents and gifts.” Right beside it was the note I made. “But how do you get your self worth off the table?’
I tried to keep scrolling but the ideas collided before I had time to make the intersection clean or slam on the brakes.
I allow my self worth to be among all the other offerings available on the charcuterie board that is my life. My relationships, weight, writing, health, looks, wrinkles, business, past, hobbies, sleep schedule, champagne glass, tears, thoughts, missteps, achievements, issues, and insight – all of it. Next to the olives and above that bombass blue cheese from Thomasville. Just put that shit on a gourmet cracker.
And I get angry. And that pisses me off. I am not surprised at the anger. I am dealing with quite a bit of anger issues lately. Evidently it is a byproduct of working through my fear issues. My therapist assures me that it is quite normal, and, in fact, she sees it as progress and is proud of me. Gold Star for me.
So, I need to work through the anger by going back to the thing that started this whole mess to begin with. Well, I suppose not so much working through as it is just being honest and answering the questions.
First, I get my self worth off the table by just taking it off the damn table. Period. If I forget and slide it back up there, I just take it off, as many times as it takes. I remind myself that I am worthy because I am worthy. Full Stop.
Now that I have taken care of that question, I can move on to the other four.
I do not currently have any writing or publication goals. I am currently afraid of my words and have not been able to adequately work through that fear without getting unproductively angry. I also have an irrational fear that I am not good enough and do not have the time or skill to get good enough. I am irrationally convinced that I have wasted too much time and opportunity to deserve any of it. As such, I do not have a current writing project and am desperately hoping I can voodoo one up so that I do not limp through this class. I cannot even get to a place where I can discuss my strengths and weaknesses as I am not consistent enough in my practice to accurately identify them. Therefore, I do not even think about the publishing process in any tangible way although I would love to have a clever work burst forth from my keyboard without actually having to split myself open to get to it.
Think that’ll earn me passing marks? Gold star again.