For the “Other” Moms

March 21, 2018 by

I’m just not that kind of mom.

Even as I said it, I knew that it was both true in the context of the conversation and that I wished there was a different way to explain it. I really wished it didn’t have to be explained at all.

While I understand the mom role naturally changes, I have felt an accelerated shift for myself.  The children are getting older the way children do. They are becoming more self sufficient. They are beginning to have their own pre and new adult situations. Situations that, while somewhat similar to my own coming of age, have enough notable differences to be nearly unrecognizable.

21st century parenting, my friends, is not for the weak.

Next school year will find the baby in middle school and two more high school graduations. My Pinterest feed suggests that I should be an endless fount of tears and runny mascara.

I am not.

Our children are co parented and loved by multiple sets of people. My Instagram and Facebook wall suggests that I should defend my position, stay in my lane, feel guilt over the situation to begin with, and celebrate the putting of oneself first.

I do none of these things.

I am just not that kind of mom.

I am a mom advocate. I absolutely love moms. All different kinds of moms – young, old, helicopter, tiger, free range, formula, breast, co sleep, cribs, empty nester, adoptive, birth, borrowed, stay at home, working, organic, boxed, single, attached, woke, tired, balanced, frazzled, together, hot mess, bowed, laced, legging, designer – whatever. I. Love. Moms.

Outside of being a kid, I am of the opinion that being a mom is arguably one of the hardest things to be in cyberspace. I am hard pressed to think of another group who’s collective is, by nature, amazingly personal and infinitely varied, while simultaneously expected to live up to a complex set of changing, unattainable, and contradictory rules.

To this end, I am becoming super comfortable giving the whole “good mom/bad mom” idea a big “whatthefuckever.”

I have known since the early days of my motherhood journey 21 years ago that, while this little creature was completely dependent on me at the moment, it was neither the way it was going to be, nor the way it was supposed to be for long. This child was, and all the children that came after her were, going to leave me. They, if I was ever so lucky, were going to grow and want, and do, and be. All that would come with a change of phone number, a change of address, and a roof and mailbox that were not mine.

In the meantime, these creatures were not programmable. I could not order them according to specifications. They were not given to me to create in my own image. God had already done that. They came into this world people in their own right. It was my job to provide them the safest, healthiest, resource rich environment where they could feel the freedom to learn who they were in their own skin. I failed routinely. I still fail. But that’s part of the deal too. I cannot be perfect and my children cannot be perfect. In our flaws, we feel grace and compassion for each other. We are in this thing together.

Because of this awareness, I have never felt an ownership over my children. They do not validate or define me as a person. I am infinitely thankful for them. I will defend them with ferocity and would sacrifice my breath happily for theirs. But that is because I love them unconditionally, not because of some uterine relationship I may or may not have.

My mother and I are extremely close. We always have been. I also have always had a variety of strong women in my life who love me and I love in return. My mother never restricted those relationships, made me feel guilty for loving another, or suggested that she felt threatened or betrayed – because she wasn’t. Nothing about any of those relationships changed who she was and who I was. What those relationships did do was give me more experiences, more confidence, more perspective, more love, more more.

I was also able to see a bunch of women mommying differently. Not right, not wrong, just different. As I joined their ranks, I saw more variety, more emotions, more preferences. What I have only come to realize recently is while the outside looks different, I think the source is the same.

Mommies love their babies. And we know, on some level, they are going to leave us and be their own people. The emotion that creates in each of us is different because we are different. I don’t cry on the first day of school. That’s not because I don’t care, it’s simply not an event that makes me feel that kind of way. I know moms who are completely distraught on the first day of school. I love that. It makes me feel better when I think about the time the baby, who I knew would be my last baby, lost her first tooth and I sat on the floor and ugly cried.

I don’t get all up in my feelings when my kid makes a poor life choice. I don’t feel like it is a personal reflection on me or my parenting skills. I do get irritated when they play stupid or become overly self-deprecating and I scold myself for not having more patience. I use my strength in one to encourage moms who are feeling less than and my weakness in the other to remember I am thankful for the moms who mommy different and have my six.

We are all the “other” mom. We are all that kind of mom and not that kind of mom. We are tasked with one of the greatest responsibilities on the planet and that path has an infinite number of options. Sometimes I am not super sure I took the right turn at Albuquerque. But today, I trust myself and I trust my tribe. And I am thankful.

Filed Under: Chrysalis, Family, Parenting Tagged With: , ,

No Lobby, No Money, No Relationship

March 1, 2018 by

Our little town, like so many other towns across the country, found itself investigating a threat left on the wall in one of the bathrooms at our high school.

I was angry. Irritated was probably a better word. I learned about the situation via Facebook. Postings led me to the local police department’s page. It was evident that the information had been circulating through the community – kids, schools, law enforcement – since the previous day.

From the school proper, I could find nothing. No email, no text, no post. Parents get regular texts from the schools – late buses, fundraisers, events, etc. But nothing concerning this. I responded to the Facebook post asking if there had been updates, if anyone had heard anything from the schools and was there any information on why they had been silent. There had been nothing, but many parents felt the same way I did. If we had not checked social media, if our kids hadn’t said something, we wouldn’t have known one thing about the threat to the school.

I made the decision to keep my children home. All of them. It made me feel better to be able to look at them all day while the school and the authorities figured out what they were going to do. Do I think they were in actual danger? No. I trust the work and, more importantly, give a shit of our police force. Have I been wrong before? Lots. It’s just a few days of school and it made me feel better. I was good with a bit of extra.

For the record, the school did send out the “there has been a threat identified and the school system and the police department are handling it” notification – an hour after I would have normally dropped my kid off at school.

Mid morning I was contacted by a local television news reporter. She saw my comment on Facebook and would I be interested in meeting with her for an interview on the parents’ perspective. I originally agreed. She would find someone to talk to, might as well be me. After a lot of thought, an unsuccessful attempt to contact the school principal for guidance, and a successful attempt to hash it out with a friend, I declined. The reporter asked if I was concerned about anonymity. I obviously am not. I am concerned about being, at best, useless and, at worst, harmful.

I explained to her that I didn’t think I was the right person. I didn’t really know a whole lot except what had brought about my frustration (the time of the notification). And even that, I doubted but admitted, may have a good reason. I just didn’t know. I didn’t know anything except I knew where my children were and I was super thankful for social media that morning. In a highly emotional situation like this, what could I possibly add that was of value in a news segment that would be short, constructed by someone other than myself, and out of my control when edited and produced? Nothing. I just wasn’t interested.

But I decided I would write about it, if only to sort my own thoughts, document the events, and maybe start a conversation that goes further than the divisive 24 hour news cycle flag planting and party protection.

Let me be clear. The loss of life is tragic. I can’t even begin to imagine. I won’t even being to imagine. The idea rips my heart out. I don’t have any answers, I only have wonders and opinions. I happen to think that’s an okay start. I am smart, thoughtful, and fallible. I am far from a perfect mother and I do not have perfect children. None of that is lost on me.

I am not discussing guns per se in this post. If the conversation afterwards goes in that direction, I am fine with it. It is a topic I rather enjoy. But as long as gun ownership remains inextricably tied to violence among our children, the children lose. They don’t have the lobby or the money to gain priority in the discussion. They are merely used as pawns on both sides of a debate that is exploiting their position as cherished and expending them as emotional capital.

I am not discussing mental health as a diagnosis or health care accessibility. Mental health is supremely important and has been bastardized as a buzz word by those who care little about health and more about excuse, justification, and vindication. Healthcare, a natural follow on to the mental health discussion, is important as well. However, I refer back to the gun paragraph and you can substitute “healthcare.” The truth is the same.

I am not discussing parenting, the lack thereof, the definition of a snowflake, who’s momma needs to beat who’s ass, which church prays the best so that God will come down and fix it, which video game, movie premiere, actor, rapper, heavy metal, satan worshiper, or Elvis, sent morality into the toilet, screentime, organic foods, role of teachers, the competency of the police force, school uniforms, family dinner time, reading time with children, organized playdates, bad moms, absent fathers, failed education system, the current or past administrations, or helicopter, tiger, free range, attachment parenting strategies.

Then fuck April, what are you going to talk about?

I am going to talk about understanding nothing happens in a vacuum, it isn’t just one thing. It is dangerous to ignore the damage we are allowing our children to shoulder while the grown ups fight about god, guns, discipline, and government, feeling better and all comfy in our righteous indignation.

One of the most eye opening and soul crushing things I did yesterday was read the hundreds of comments posted by folks concerning the threat at our school and schools like it. They ran the typical gamut of all the things I said earlier that I am not talking about. If I were to believe what I read, my little town is filled with torches, pitchforks, and people who believe that the systematic forcing of religion solves all woes. What I actually chose to believe is that parents are simply scared for the safety of their children.

It also became clear that there were two distinct camps present. The Everybody Sucks group and the Circle the Wagons crew. Everybody Sucks had plenty of blame to go around – the school administrators, law enforcement, parents, etc. Circle the Wagons defended these same entities at all cost and offered them up as blameless and holy, unable to be questioned or considered. Both evoked the cause of the children on their behalf. Neither acknowledged that they both had value to bring and ideas to learn. We were all looking for one thing, one reason, one virus that we could cure and make the whole thing go away. Most of us were not engaged in discussion. That’s not the way any of this works.

Look, I am well aware that every single generation has claimed differences from the ones before and after it. “Back in my day” is a thing because it is a thing. That’s called life. That’s called progress. But if we continue to insist that all kids today need is a good dose of everything that we got back in the day, we are deluding ourselves.

Seriously, unless I got to keep all my knowledge and experience, you couldn’t pay me to go back in time and be a teenager again. However, I would do that shit for free and with bells on before I would agree to be a teenager today.

This is just my personal experience but I can’t imagine it is so very different than most. We had cliques, popular kids, nerds, dolts, mainstream, outcasts, over achievers, slackers, jocks, and all the rest – just like the generation before and just like the generations after. We had the rumor mills and bullies. You got talked about. Everybody got talked about. Some folks got picked on. All of this happened in the confines of our community. This happened to your face or close behind your back and the fire eventually died because honestly, kids attention spans haven’t changed much. You got to home, hide in your room, maybe ditch school, let the shit die, and then go on about your business. Maybe you had to take it to the next level and meet in the DCT parking lot after school to knock each other around a bit. And it sucked because you’re a kid and you don’t know all the things you don’t know and growing up is just hard.

Today, there is no quarter. There are no geographic borders. There are no identifiable whispers. The onslaught is relentless. One thing, one misstep and your kid in Tampa is getting harassed from snot nosed teenagers in Spokane. And it never goes away. It gets shared and reshared and retweeted and reposted and instead of people getting bored and the fire fanning out, these kids are working in time zones shifts to stoke that sucker so that it stays ablaze.

The expectations are higher. That prank you pulled when you toilet papered the teacher’s desk? Super funny in your little town. But what do you have to do to compete with the 5 billion YouTube videos watched every. Single. Day. And sure, you teach your kids that competition isn’t important, that the internet is a virtual playground of fiction and bad ideas. But they are children. I can’t begin to tell you how many bad ideas happened when I was a kid because one guy’s truck did a thing and so the other guys had to figure out what to do next.

The ability to find the thing that makes you special is harder. And teenagers need to feel special. It was hard enough to achieve that in a school of a couple thousand. These kids are now trying to figure out how to make it when they are in contact with hundreds of thousands. As parents we do the best we can, but we have been sucked into the same damn thing. Every mom I know has had that moment where she has compared herself to the chick she found on the internet and spent days questioning if she was even worthy of a uterus. How do we expect our children to do any better?

Being a kid is just harder. That isn’t anybody’s fault. It just is. As such, being a parent is harder. Again, no fault, it just is. And there’s no handbook for it because our parents never came close to anything like this. My mother thanks baby Jesus in earnest that all her children are already grown. That woman is one of the best mommas on the planet and even she doesn’t want the job today. She is a great listener and we talk about stuff, but she will be the first to admit she has no real advice for me because she has no clue where to begin.

Nobody is discussing the fact that we are the first generation of parents that are tasked with both navigating who we are in relationship to all the technological advances while simultaneously having to raise children to be able navigate it as well.

And the truth is, the adults aren’t doing it very well. We are real assholes online. From dogging the mom’s outfit choice to the dad smoking while waiting in the car line, and all manner of judgement, name calling, rhetoric engaging, bullshit memes, and satire articles posted as fact and proof, we are a generation of cyber assholes.

The problem with that is that there isn’t a kid internet and an asshole adult internet. It is the same internet and our kids see us. They see us unable to engage in intelligent conversation. They see us resort to bullshit made up facts, rumors, and irrelevant character assassination. They watch us judge people we don’t know and assign motives to people we have never had a conversation with. They watch us. And they imitate us. And they hurt people.

Our children are dying trying to find real connection, real belonging, real fucking real. They aren’t mature enough to understand the nuances of fact and facade. They aren’t experienced enough to separate the genuine from the charlatan. They are looking for us to show them how to create real relationships. But we are so busy protecting our scared cows and condemning those who don’t think exactly like us, that we have forgotten how to do it ourselves.

Look, I am not saying we are bad people. We aren’t. We’ve just forgotten how to have conversations or that they are even important. We have forgotten that thoughts go deeper than a headline, bumper sticker, or squirrel meme. We pimped out our MySpace and got the idea that somehow substituted for having coffee with a real person.

But I have faith in us. I have faith in our ability to build relationships that accomplish positive progress. And I really believe in coffee.

Filed Under: Current Events Tagged With: , ,

A Letter to My Senior

January 26, 2015 by

This was not my idea.

 

Dear Bear,

You are such a beautiful soul that I am always cautious when I impart advice to you. But, I am your Giver of Life. As such, I invoke the right that all Givers of Life have to dispense advice whether needed or not, requested or not, right or not, wanted or not. (In this particular instance, I also note that YOU required it of me at the bequest of your teacher; this is not to be used against me in any later therapy that you may or may not need.)

Trust yourself. You are wondrously made. If all people had the heart you possess, the world would be a better place. There will be many times you feel unsure, doubtful, fearful. That’s okay. We all feel that way. Know that you are more right than you are wrong most of time. Yes, this is true regardless of what other people may want you to believe.

Consume at least 64 ounces of water a day. (Water in your Starbucks lattes only count on Sunday.)

You will get it wrong. We all do. When it happens – and trust me sweet girl, it will happen – own it, fix what you can, leave what you can’t, and suck every piece of education you can from it. Failure is not something you are, it is something you do. It does not define you. It does not define them. Grace is a gift I hope you freely give to yourself and others. This is not a trait of the lax or the pushover. It takes strength and courage. Do not believe those that tell you otherwise.

Banana splits are occasionally acceptable for dinner.

Sometimes you just have to say “F(edited out of courtesy to your English teacher)k it” and move forward. Not all choices feel good and safe. Not all choices are fun and desirable. Some things just have to get done, left behind, cleaned up, walked over, turned out, wrapped up, thrown away. This is where life just is what it is. These things, being left to their own devices, only get worse. I promise you, what smells bad today only reeks worse tomorrow. Just bulldog it and move on.

Drink with people who love you. Be the designated driver for those who don’t.

Be real careful what “they” you listen to. There is a whole world filled with the ominous “they.” We aren’t really sure who they are, what type of training they have, what their agenda is, but we are pretty sure they live in their parents’ basement nomming on cheesy poofs playing Dungeon and Dragons. “They” have big mouths and are currently trying to figure out how to make a living trolling the internet. They do not have girlfriends. Easy filter – if “they” insists that everything sucks and nothing you do is right and the entire existence of the world is a big conspiracy meant to create entire subcultures of GMO tolerant, gluten adverse, non vaccinated, obese fast food consumers, breastfed gym rats that poo granola Oreos, you are probably dealing with a “they.” Abraham Lincoln said it best – “Don’t believe everything you read on the internet.”

Semicolons are sexy. Learn how to use them.

There are assholes everywhere; that doesn’t define the “everywhere.” (Sorry, the edit just didn’t do the thought justice. Besides, you’re a senior, you can handle it.) Every sect – professions, neighborhoods, races, religions, clubs, cults, PTOs, opinion groups – is just a microcosm of society. A bad cop, teacher, solider, sailor, politician, mommy, doctor, teenager, old person does not provide reason to assume that all folks in that particular demographic are idiots. Quite frankly, it doesn’t necessarily mean the offender is an idiot. We all have bad days. And we all have folks in our groups that we would rather we didn’t. Boxes are for shoes, not people. Everyone is created as an individual and deserves the consideration of an individual. Of course, if they prove themselves individually to be the designated asshole, take them at their word that’s who they are and move on.

Don’t be afraid of profanity. It is not a sign of weak vocabulary any more than a love of chocolate is a sign of a weak diet. Sometimes, they both just taste good.

Different is not wrong – it’s just different. Your dad likes to cut up his steak as he eats it. I like to cut up mine all at one time. You like to have your dad cut up yours. None of those things are wrong – they are just different. Be wary of people who try to make “different” = “wrong” as they are usually covering up for some feeling of personal inadequacies that I can bet money you don’t want any part of.

Be a rebel. End sentences with prepositions. Unless you are speaking Latin. Or honoring Yoda.

If you realize one day that all your friends are alike, get new friends. I’m not saying cut the old ones loose. I’m just saying you need to grow your circle. There is no better way to become an asshole than to surround yourself with people who always think like you, agree with you, and are a whole lot like you. Nature shows us this. If we plant the same crop over and over in the same field, eventually the ground dries up and produces trash. Diversity in relationship is the single best thing you can do to ensure you do not become stale as a person. It also makes coffee shop conversation much more interesting.

Disregard that thing I said about profanity around your great grandmother. Thanks.

Don’t ever make one decision out of fear. It is my belief that there are only two true emotions in life – love and fear. I don’t have to tell you that one is exponentially more productive than the other. There are times you will find yourself afraid or feeling one of its offspring emotions – hate, anger, depression, spite, resentment. Don’t beat yourself up about that as it is natural and human. It is in those human places that we are able to work through and find those ways to be more human. That is where we find grace, compassion, courage. Make decisions in that space. It is worth the work.

Do not make a habit of eating food that comes out of a window.

Make the commitment to love forever. There are so many obstacles and story spinners out there trying to convince you that love is not the answer. They need your love most of all. Love animals, love people, love babies, love criminals, love saints, love the broken, love the healed, love yourself…always love yourself. This is not always easy and sometimes it can only be done in a detached, acknowledged only in a broad sense type of way. There are atrocities in this world that will bend your heart to the point you think it will break. People will be careless with your emotions and you will hurt. You will look at yourself in the mirror and find an imaginary million and one ways in which you don’t measure up. Don’t be surprised when it happens and don’t let it define who you are. Your heart is the most beautiful thing ever created. Share it, be prepared to nurse it, do not hold fear in it.

My baby girl, there are so many more things I want to tell you…

  • Never go on a second date with someone who is mean to the wait staff
  • Live your passion
  • Never leave home without your sketchbook
  • Sometimes going to the store in pajama pants is necessary
  • Exercise
  • Volunteer
  • Always have a book to read
  • Compliment others
  • You can always come home
  • I am never further than a phone call
  • Diet soda is for crazy people – just drink the regular stuff

But most of all I want you to know that when you feel like it doesn’t matter, you don’t make a difference, you aren’t capable of being in this adult world – you are wrong. You have been changing lives since the day you were born. Who I am now is so much because of you. It scares me to think who I would have become without you. Thank you for growing up with me. I am so glad you are my kid.

Love,

Momma

 

Filed Under: Family, Parenting Tagged With: ,

…But I am not stuck up about it

July 3, 2012 by

If you have not read this, (I will tell you…but we have to talk about this first) please do that first. Seriously. Thanks 🙂

Yeah, that will be at the beginning of all these posts. I am kinda serious about it. I realize I can be kinda snarky, this topic is kinda sensitive, and we all beat ourselves up enough. It is important to me that you know that is NOT happening here.

If you missed my First Steps…
…or Some Excuses

This is not supposed to be the next step…this revelation actually didn’t hit me until my Daniel Fast. But, with it being the Nation’s Birthday tomorrow, I figured we should talk about cake.

This is a beautiful, nearly ready to give birth, 210 pound April Groves. And 210 may not be so bad…except I started at 130. 80 pounds ladies and gentleman (look at that neck!)  And while my Savannah was a respectable 8lbs 15ozs, that is still little better than 10% of my total weight gained.

Since I was in the Navy, I had to go back to work 6 weeks after her birth. While you can wear your maternity uniform for a while after that, who in world does that? In my 11 years in the Navy, I NEVER saw one woman come back from maternity leave in their maternity uniform. We maybe should have, but we did not.

The Cliff Note’s version is I got down to 160 before I had to go back to work. Yeah, that uniform was a sight. I had a job conducive to regular and extended gym time and a great workout buddy (not as great as you, Mel!) Next thing you know, my post pregnancy body was doing some crazy stuff. So I egged it on. Atkins was king and the gym was my friend. I got down to a lean 120 pounds with muscles to boot.

I learned a lot on that journey. I learned that ~

  • water was the absolute best thing I could put in my body – ever.
  • Weight training is the key to all shape issues.
  • Weights can be heavy, and that is good.
  • Food matters.
  • You can get your body back.

But, what I didn’t learn was the importance of sustainable change. My health and wellness was not in a GNC store or a diet book or a fitness magazine. I thought that it was and I loved them all. But, as we all know, over the course of the years to come, I would put back on 40 of those pounds – and I ain’t knocked up.

I say ALL of that for a few reasons

  • If you have taken off and put on, you are not alone
  • If you have started, quit, started again, you are not alone
  • If you have tried stuff that worked and then didn’t, you are not alone
  • If you have huge goals to make, you are not alone

Basically, you are not alone.

I chose to do a hard reset with my eating at the beginning of the year. I will get into the hows and the whys later, but for now I will just say that the Daniel Fast was one of the best choices I ever made. I read most of the book. In it was my “Damn it!” moment. Face palm included.

Susan Gregory said something that should be obvious. Obviously, it wasn’t. She discussed a situation that occurred during one of her fast times. Her daughter in law had prepared a special meal. In that meal were foods not appropriate for the fast. Do you know what Susan did? She enjoyed the meal with her family.

She cheated. She gave her self some breathing room. She enjoyed her life. She practiced moderation. She was not stuck up about it!

And that’s what I had been. Totally stuck up. Either all or nothing. Militant or complacent. That isn’t a lifestyle – it is a life sentence. And that mentality only leaves you looking for parole!

I came to understand that there are times when strict discipline is necessary, especially during the beginning stages of a particularly difficult habit change. But, while many of us believe that grace and forgiveness are wonderful gifts to give to others, we rarely find it appropriate to gift it to ourselves.

Now, I gauge myself.

  • Have I been allowing too much “moderation?” It is easy to tell – I feel bad. I call them food hangovers or endorphin withdraws.
  • Am I about to partake in something for which I know I have very little control? I try very hard not to eat donuts. I love them. I will eat the whole box. Moderation be damned. Yeah, I need a 12 step. I probably won’t eat even one because I just can’t.
  • Am I going to enjoy this or feel guilty about it? If it is just going to make you sad, leave it alone.

So tomorrow I will probably not have any cake (it is kinda like the donut thing). But I will most likely eat a burger. I may even put cheese on it! Of course, I will probably log some miles before the festivities too.

Because it isn’t about quick fixes – it is about living my best life.

Enjoy the holiday!

 

 

Filed Under: Health and Wellness Tagged With: , ,

Mother’s Fighting for Others : #trust30 Challenge

June 5, 2011 by

Day 5 Challenge | Chris Guillebeau | Travel

If we live truly, we shall see truly. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Not everyone wants to travel the world, but most people can identify at least one place in the world they’d like to visit before they die. Where is that place for you, and what will you do to make sure you get there?

Here is the background, in case there are things about me you don’t know

  • I do not believe in coincidences
  • Children are my passion
  • I will do what I can with what I have – even if it doesn’t feel like enough
  • “Go big or go home” seems like an understatement to me

The prompting for me to tell the following story seems to be coming up with increasing regularity over the past 2 months. Where that is heading, I don’t know. But, the purpose is strong and good – so allow me to tell it again.

I had the amazing fortune of meeting Jeff Turner some years ago. First online, then at a conference. I would hope that he would agree that the relationship is a good one. I admire Jeff and find his brain quirky  fascinating.

Between my family and Jeff’s, there are 10 children. That gives two people a good bit to talk about. Jeff began to tell me about his wife, Rocky. I was instantly intrigued. This beautifully strong woman has a purpose on this planet and it resonated in my heart.

As if wifing one man and mothering six children weren’t enough, Rocky decided no child should be left to fend for themselves, motherless. After a volunteer trip to Kenya, Rocky envisioned Mother’s Fighting for Others.

The mission statement is direct

Mothers Fighting For Others provides orphaned girls with a loving and nurturing environment and a quality education, so they can learn, thrive and achieve their highest potential.

And this thought from Rocky brings tears to my eyes every time

What I want for them is simple. I want them to feel loved. I want them to feel safe and secure. I want them to go to school and grow up to be great women. What I want for them is what their Mothers would have wanted. That is it. It’s that simple.

It is impossible for me to give Rocky all the support she needs, but I know I can do something – even if it is just a small thing. I can tell you. I don’t know if this mission resonates with you. But I do know, if it does, no thing you do in support of it is too small. A prayer, a donation, telling others, encouragement, support – there are lots of things we can do even when we feel like we can do nothing.

It is my goal to travel to meet Rocky’s girls and introduce them to my girls. As a sister and as a mother of sisters, that bond is amazing. I hope to give that type of support to Rocky, help her Mother her girls, teach my children the beauty of relationship outside the normal ideals, that we are all family.

I am also hopeful that I have reached one person – or 20! – that has been moved to do that one thing, whatever that one thing may be. No one person can do all things – but each can do something.

This is the Day 5 Prompt of the #Trust30 challenge

Filed Under: Current Events Tagged With: , , , ,

That is NOT what I said

April 27, 2011 by

Life in the home has been complicated by this tank top >>>>>

Ok, maybe not this EXACT tank top…but I own one a lot like it.

Ok, maybe it isn’t just this tank top…

Maybe it is this innocent looking creature…

Do not let her fool you…her ways are not for the faint of heart. At 4, she is good, real good. I can only imagine where we are going to find ourselves

Example ~

Morgan: Momma, can we have macaroni and cheese for dinner?
Me: No baby, I am making mashed potatoes.
Morgan: (utter outburst of screams and tears) You mean you are never going to feed me ever again?!?!

Umm…not what I said…

Example ~

Me: Morgan, please take your thumb out of your mouth.
Morgan: But Momma, my body says I have to…
Me: Morgan, I know it is a hard habit to break, but you are gonna mess up your teeth.
Morgan: (another outburst as in previous example) You mean you are gonna knock my teeth out and cut my thumb off!?!

Ummm…no?

And finally (but not only) ~ The Tank Top ~

Daycare: April, I hate to bother you but Morgan says you have a shirt that upsets her. She is in tears.
Me: Really, I can’t imagine what that could be.
Daycare: Well, I don’t believe you own a shirt that says that.
Me: Says what?
Daycare: Well, Morgan says you own a shirt that says (wait for it….)
“I hate my daughter”

Ummm…no….again….thanks….

Filed Under: Family, Parenting Tagged With: ,

She quit the club

January 14, 2008 by

My Savannah came home from first grade last week and was not in a good mood.

“She quit the club.”

You see, my Savannah has created the “Best Friends Club.” It is a special thing to her. She would like everyone to be in it and is trying to rope her daddy into building the clubhouse in our backyard. We will see how that goes.

After some discussion, the bones of the story is that my daughter’s club is in turmoil. It seems to have a revolving door retention problem. While most of the club seems happy to play tag and collect rocks, there is a fringe group. One little girl left because another little girl left because the wrong nickname was being used. Another left because the clubhouse wasn’t ready yet. This latest episode involved a debate over club ownership.

It struck me how representative this is of adults. I belong to a few organizations and they are wonderful! However, I am sure we have all seen “the fringe.” These are those folks who are going to find the negative like they have “poo poo radar.” Then, instead of working to resolve the problem, they leave. Or worse, they stay and try to make life miserable for those around them. I am not going to spend anymore time talking about the characteristics of these folks or why they are the way they are. I learned a long time ago (ok – maybe not that long ago) that I can only control my thoughts and actions.

That’s when I realize (again) the brilliance of my daughter.

“Honey, if she doesn’t like that nickname, you really shouldn’t use it. That would upset me too.”

She already knew this. After the little girl had quit the club, Savannah went to her and found out why. She then apologized for hurting her feelings and said she wouldn’t do it anymore. Both her and the girl that left with her are back.

She also went to the girl about the clubhouse. They decided that since they couldn’t build the clubhouse themselves and since they already had the playground, that was good enough for now. She’s back in the club too.

The little girl who wanted club ownership got her way. Now, while I am not crazy about this (previously it was an all for one ownership), I think Savannah’s thoughts were, “Who cares who owns it as long as everybody is in it?” For a six year old, I think I will leave this one alone for now.

Communication is a wonderful thing. When we genuinely care about what others think, how they feel and what they want, we can accomplish a sense of unity and collaboration that would have been unattainable before. Amazing things happen when move away from placing blame and move towards making progress. I’ll admit I was proud to watch my six year old navigate through situations that make many adults stumble. Maybe there is a learned trait there that is special to adults. If so, I hope she never learns it.

*Photo credit to Sue RB

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Now that you are another year older…

July 2, 2007 by

’twas my birthday on Saturday 🙂 And we all know how much I LOVE birthdays. This one was no different.  Husband strategically placed a wonderful card, lots of kisses from the girls, full inbox of well wishes, myspace was hopping, and mom made dinner. Did I mention I had to work? Even that went well. Birthdays seldom disappoint.

My birthday is like everybody else’s traditional New Year’s.  I spend some time reflecting on the past year and planning the next. I never make resolutions. I used to develop expectations. This year I exchanged them for intentions (look for that explanation later in the week).

What went great:

  • We welcomed Morgan into the world!
  • Then I got off the baby weight 😉
  • I got comfortable in my writing skin and developed my blogs and website.
  • I became more involved in my community, both business and personal.
  • I have made some great friends.
  • My career is taking off.
  • I learned to create goals and think in a different way.

What didn’t go so great:

  • WHO CARES?!?! It’s my birthday! This is a whole new year.  I am a busy woman with no time to dwell on past mistakes, hurts, or missteps. I am here in the now, excited about tomorrow and having the time of my life!

That’s what it is all about after all. Recognizing that all the “errors” in life are only fatal if we let them be, hurtful if we carry them around, painful if we repeat them, and failures if we refuse to learn from them.

Happy Birthday!!

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The Confessions of a (Relatively) Perfect Mom

June 15, 2007 by

I love being a mommy – it is truly one of my favorite things. My four daughters are a joy in my life and I wouldn’t trade them for a thing in the world. Ask them and they will tell you – I am the best mom in the world. In fact, I do consider myself the perfect mom.

***Begin playing sappy music***

McDonald’s is not a staple of our diet. We have family movie night. I am cautious of the movies they watch, clothes they wear, music they hear, and the friends they have.  We discuss values and citizenship. We see the dentist twice a year and the doctor for regular check ups. We discuss stranger safety. Chores are a must. School work is priority – even in the summer.

***Record playing sappy music scratches to a halt***

Let’s get real…I am a great mom, relatively.  While all the above statements are true, let me let you in on some more truths.

We rush in the morning to get to school on time. They probably watch too much TV.  The kitchen isn’t always clean. I don’t read to them for 30 minutes every night. Sometimes I just want to be left alone. They brush their teeth at least once a day, but definitely not after every meal. There is always laundry to be done. We don’t always eat together. I am ready for summer break to be over. Sometimes dinner comes out of a box. Their room is a mess and I am tired of fighting about it. I have made the mad dash to Wal-Mart to get supplies for a school project that is due the next day.

Why tell you all this? Because I believe I am not alone. I believe that there are a ton of mommies – probably most – out there who feel overwhelmed and under performed most of the time.  I believe that these moms (dads too?) carry around heavy guilt that makes the hardest job in the world even harder. I believe that we think we are the only ones dealing with these feelings and ask ourselves why we can’t have it “together” like the super mom who lives down the street (who, by the way, is probably thinking the same thing about you.)

I believe there are far too many of us asking ourselves, “What’s wrong with me?”

The answer – Nothing, except being human.

I believe our children deserve the very best we can give them. I don’t think that looks like perfection. I think it looks like unconditional love. Kids don’t care so much about “stuff” when they feel protected and cared for. Don’t believe me? Watch a kid’s face light up when they get the one present they wanted most.  Then watch his heartbreak when you won’t play with him. The toy means nothing without the love.

We spend so much time trying to be a perfect mom to the world and then feel like a failure when we can’t pull it off. Wouldn’t that time and energy be better spent on something you can do – like being the perfect mom to your kid?

Filed Under: Family, Parenting Tagged With: ,

My NewsBowl Champ!

May 17, 2007 by

The school year is almost over. We are participating in all the regular end of the year activities.  Today was the Awards Program for Madison.  I couldn’t have been more proud.

She received an award for the Honor Roll – we expected that. Her grades are usually pretty good. But we, and several other parents, got a real treat.

Madison participates in the gifted program at school. Every Friday, she and a few of her classmates go to their SEEK class and participate in various mind expanding activities. One of the programs they participate in is the News Bowl. This is a national program that looks to involve students in learning about current events.

Well, Madison’s team won 1st in the state and 6th in the Nation. Her group received the News Bowl certificate and another for the Principal’s achievement award.

Big congrats to the 4th grade SEEK!!  We love you, Bear!

 

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