Choking on the Apple

November 9, 2021 by

How do you eat an elephant?
One bite at a time.
-African Proverb

I watched my two year old eat an apple yesterday. She was given a slice and proceeded to stick the whole thing in her mouth. Didn’t work out too well and it ended up in my hand. Hmm.

Because she had been successful eating apples when given it whole, we went back to that method. She knew she couldn’t put that whole thing in her mouth and began consuming it, one bite at a time. She ate the whole thing. Interesting.

I have crazy big ideas. I have some pretty significant responsibilities. So do you. There are times when I have made a go at one of those enormous sized projects. I am so excited about the prospect that I try to tackle it all at once, only to choke on it and spit it out in the trash. Other times, the bigness of it all is undeniable and I convince myself that I am “not enough” for the job. These times I don’t even try. Either way, I get none of the apple.

Opportunities of condensed learning and inspiration can be like this too. Ever been to a seminar and tried to remodel your entire yard, kitchen, life, the next day? You’ve seen that the improvement works. Why not implement all of it in one big slice of a bite? Because you will choke and it will all end up in the trash.

Today I want to encourage you cut yourself some slack. Unless you have some really cool super powers I don’t know about, you are subject to the same laws of time and and physics as the rest of us. Time will not warp itself for you. Most often, one step at a time is the most effective. You are amazingly talented, incredibly capable and immensely deserving. Just move through the process, one delicious bite at a time.

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Know Your Worth

October 19, 2021 by

To have that sense of one’s intrinsic worth… is potentially to have everything…
~Joan Didion

Now if you know what you’re worth then go out and get what you’re worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain’t you! You’re better than that!
~Rocky Balboa (2006)

Self confidence is an interesting thing. If it is lacking, you have one set of problems. If you have it in abundance (regardless of its merit) you have others. There is a fine line of balance there. And, as difficult as this line may be to tread, it is a necessary introspection. There a few things that damage a relationship more than unbecoming behavior. And there is immeasurable damage done to oneself who has not learned to appreciate their own self worth.

The idea of self worth is one that cannot be taken lightly. In fact, I am learning that it is a topic that must be keep to the mind’s forefront. I amaze myself every time I allow an unfortunate, often trivial, event affect the whole of my mood – even when the vast amount of everything else is going fine. I appear to have a bit of company in this trait. It seems to be more common than ought that we allow ourselves, our moods, and our forward progression to be thwarted by obstacles of the sabotage kind. In truth, crappy stuff happens, we make mistakes, and we are subjected to the mistakes of others. That does not, in it self, describe, limit, or define our own self worth.

Self worth should also not be confused with self entitlement. Not one of us is guaranteed anything – not another day, another breath, another meal, another dream – nothing is guaranteed. We have our potential, our drive, our desire, and our right now. Those things are the raw materials with which we are granted the opportunity to create our best life. Should we under represent or employ any of these materials, our progress will be found wanting. It is not the disparaging nature in the world around us that have created this gap, but our own miscalculation of perception and utilization of our unique gifts.

Today I encourage you to know your worth – and don’t underestimate it. Protect it against the occurrences that inevitably pop up to undermine it. Appreciate its greatness. It is that worth that makes you capable of completing good works. Look for opportunities to make deposits into, grow, and nurture it. Remember, this is a valuable asset to you and your worth is an amazing resource. Use that worth towards efforts of good and be generous with it. It is in this generosity that this becomes one of our most valuable and effective renewable resources. And it is all in you.

Thanks for the coffee 🙂

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Beauty in Solitude, Company, Diversity and Dynamic

October 5, 2021 by
Colette

There are days when solitude is
a heady wine that intoxicates you with freedom,
others when it is a bitter tonic,
and still others when it is a poison
that makes you beat your head against the wall.

~Colette

Okay all you introverts, hang with me through this first idea and I will get back to you on the second.

I am an extrovert. I will continue when the loud haws of feigned disbelief subside. It’s just the truth of it – I love talking, interacting, sharing, watching, knowing, being around people. I am fairly certain it is deep-rooted inside of my DNA.

I was in my 30’s before I even began to consider the benefits of occasionally choosing solitude. And there are many. It hasn’t been until very recently that I have been able to participate in this foreign art and enjoy its fruits. In this age of constant connectivity and information availability, even the introvert can constantly surround himself with people with minimal effort.

There is a lost appreciation (or in my case an unknown one) for that time you spend with that one person you need to know best – yourself. Developing an understanding of another person takes intention and focus with little distraction. Keeping in touch with your inner compass is no different.

Alrighty introverts, idea two. Because our preferences change and adjust from time to time, does not make a statement on our devotion or character. It is painful to watch a dynamic person continually attempt to keep themselves in a static box because of expectations – either from themselves or others. I find it amazing when folks who adore and celebrate diversity and eclecticism everywhere else fail to see the beauty of it in themselves.

Like to be alone today, with a whole gaggle tomorrow and a few close friends the day after that? Great – all normal. There is nothing wrong with a varying desire for interaction. It does not make you a loner, attention starved, elitist, unable to be by yourself, uncomfortable in your own skin, wishy washy, recluse – or any other label others attempt to put on you so they can feel more comfortable with the dynamic.

Today, I encourage you to take inventory of your own inner dialogue. Do you talk with yourself enough? Do you listen? Do you allow for the time you need to check in with your inner compass to ensure you are still tracking? Yes? Great. Move forward into your next interaction at whatever level that might be. No? Great (there is no judgement here). Consider if this is the best course of action. If it works, beautiful. If not, take that time for yourself and go ahead and decide upfront that you are not going to let other people’s perception of this move throw you off your game.

Thanks for the coffee…

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A Day to Remember

September 7, 2021 by

“Are you guys ready? Let’s roll.”
– Todd Beamer (1968 – 2001), US Airlines Flight 93

I remember exactly where I was on September 11, 2001. I was teaching a group of new Navy Sailors how to be Electronic Technicians in Great Lakes, Illinois. My cell phone rang. I didn’t typically keep my phone on during instruction, but today was the exception as my husband was taking our daughter to the dentist for an involved visit.

“Baby!” I hear on the phone. “You are never going to believe what just happened.” The first plane had just hit.

I put the class on break and went to the faculty room. We were all around the television when the second plane hit. Not good.

By the time I had regained my class in the room, minor panic had taken hold. It was obvious the accident was intentional. What would be done about it was yet to be seen.

“Are they gonna let us out early?” The question from a young Sailor surprised me. Then I realized – they didn’t understand.

“No,” I replied. “In fact, we may double up the schedule to graduate you early. This is why you are here. This is when your job starts.”

A day to remember, to reflect, to honor. Not in a passive way. But in a “this is when my job starts” kind of way.

I considered not writing anything today. Considered the idea of blank space in honor of Saturday, September 11th. Decided that was a bad idea.

I don’t think that honor is given in blank spaces. Honor lives in the action of what we do next to build upon what they did first and on what others continue to do today.

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Circle Perspectives

August 31, 2021 by

“Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.”
– Mark Twain

I so enjoy the variety of people I know. The differences in my circle are vast on everything from political views to familial status, formal education to employment choice. I appreciate these people as they provide me great opportunities to consistently experience different views. Granted, mine may not always change, but it is an improvement still to be able to expose myself to a different perspectives.

When we talk about “varied perspectives,” we aren’t necessarily talking about debate, transformation, or convincing others. We are simply seeing how similar things in our sphere may be different. Why is this important?

  1. We can’t possibly be an expert in everything – learn from those around you.
  2. There are always two sides (typically more) to every story – always strive to have all the facts.
  3. We may be wrong – unlikely, I know, but it could happen – the correction from others can make us better.
  4. We may be doing our family, friends, or clients a disservice – your perspective is valuable and important. It is important to give when needed and guide when appropriate.

I am so thankful for my circle of perspectives. You keep me sharp, informed, and safe.

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The Benefit of Friendship

August 24, 2021 by

“Friendship make prosperity more shining and lessens adversity by dividing and sharing it.”

– Marcus Tullius Cicero (106 BC – 43 BC)

Today’s quote is one of the main reasons I don’t typically write TAT‘s any earlier than the night before or the morning of. Had it not been for a conversation I had Monday evening, I may have very well picked a different quote. But after talking with Melissa Silva, owner of Alchemy, I knew the direction to take.

Funny how great friends can do that. They can put it all into perspective. They can sort through the mess you have been trying to unravel. Friends have the uncanny ability to point out the obvious in a situation we have been brooding over for weeks. Great friends are amazing.

So often, we leave our friends out of these situations. Whether the cause be pride, vulnerability, distaste of unloading on others or whatever, we can often find ourselves holding on to a lot of stuff we could let go of. In success, we are afraid of tooting out own horn. In distress, we are afraid of appearing weak. In defeat, we are afraid of of looking like a failure.

Today I want to encourage you take a minute and consider where you are misusing your friends. Have you hesitated conveying good news? Have you assumed them too busy to be a sounding board for a current obstacle? Have you considered them too successful to understand your misstep? I am guessing you are hoping your friends know you will be there for them through all of that. I am betting they would be more than happy to return the favor.

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A Journey to Self

August 9, 2021 by

Many of my own philosophical questions revolve around the idea of self. Who am I? Why am I here? How can I know myself? Is my self real? We find examples of philosophers discussing these questions throughout history. Attempting to identify the self as something one can know while encountering all the ancillary ideas that each position leads to has been a subject of much discussion. Rene Descartes found himself in an uncomfortable situation trying to satisfy the inclinations of both his religious and scientific mind. He found his answer in an ontological dualism that put res cogitans, the thinking, unextended substance under the authority of God (and thus, the Church), and res extensa, the unthinking, extended substance under the authority of science. In this way, Descartes reasoned, both empirical and rational truths can coexist. However, this idea quickly came under scrutiny as it seemed to make a causal connection between the mind or soul, and the body or physical nature impossible (Mitchell on Descartes’ Epistemology, 236). 

While Descartes tried to produce solutions, as he was certain the mind and the body were linked, he was unable to do so convincingly; his best effort was the pineal gland (Mitchell on Descartes’ Epistemology, 237). Both Physicalists, who identify self as the body only, and Idealists, who argue the self is only an idea, use the mind body problem to refute the dualism defended by Descartes. In fact, David Hume uses the argument as part of his discussion to conclude that there is no actual “self” at all. While I think it is safe to say that the pineal gland is not the linchpin of the mind and body, I also think that, barring a reality I cannot conceive of, denying any idea of self is also inadequate. I am in good company in that idea as Immanuel Kant also disagreed with Hume’s evaluation of self. Instead Kant imagined that there are two separate realities â€“ the noumena that we cannot know, and the phenomena that we can. Kant uses the concept of transcendental ideas to explain how the information passes or shifts from the noumena to the phenomena (Soccio on Kant, 318). It is in these shifts that we develop constructs for our reality. As these transcendental ideas are ignited by experience, forming structures for the experiencer through which the noumena become organized into the phenomena, it is a likely candidate for the mind body connection and satisfactory criteria for personal identity. This idea of construct of self through a perception of experience gained momentum through my encounter with William James’ discussion on consciousness (although I do not pretend to understand the fullness of that piece of work), and solidified with V.F. Cordova’s assertion that self is a constant creation. 

René Descartes

If I may be permitted a caveat: I have been somewhat hesitant to tackle this subject, partly because it covers multiple philosophers. Mostly because, as I have intimated, I am honest about my lack of full understanding of the philosophic positions offered. However, I have decided to take the journey approach to explain my position. As such, I will begin with my first encounter with the idea of self and move through to the most comfortable idea I believe I have ever heard concerning the subject. The errors in understanding are all mine. However, the knowledge gained is valuable to me even in its imperfection. 

My idea of self moved from a casual and obvious fact to a philosophical quest with Descartes’ Cogito. While familiar with “I think therefore I am,” this condensed version had not inspired a contemplation of self. However, the expanded idea, in particular â€śâ€¦he can never make me be nothing as long as I think that I am something,” resonated in such a way that, while I could not be sure exactly how I would get there, I was certain that I agreed philosophically with the existence of a self (Mitchell on Descartes’ Epistemology, 232).   

Because I am unfamiliar with all the rules of philosophy, I am only partly sure that my certainty of destination breaks one of them. That concern only lasted for a moment as Descartes’ offering of the pineal glad and Cartesian circle offering to solve the mind body problem was immediately met by an eyeroll at the absurdity. Hence, I was certain I had my intellectual honesty intact even if I had violated a predestination in research rule (again if there is such a rule). This intellectual honesty had me at a serious disadvantage when I engaged with David Hume who argued against the existence of a self at all. Because of our current inability to scientifically show where the self is, or to define the material of which it is made, there is no way to prove its physicality or permanence. Therefore, it does not exist; there is no self (Pojman on Personal Identity in Locke and Hume, 384). While his argument was compelling, it was not insurmountable. First, Hume’s asserted that every real thing must correspond to one real idea (Pojman on Personal Identity in Locke and Hume, 384). The self does not have any singular impression and is therefore not real. I refute this point with one simple question, “Why must it?” While I am sure Hume has a compelling answer for that, I will continue to go back to â€śâ€¦he can never make me be nothing as long as I think that I am something.” In this particular instance, Hume, not Descartes’ evil deity, is the “he.” 

Immanuel Kant

While I would have resigned myself to this idea to preserve my belief of a self, Immanuel Kant did not let me fight this good fight alone for very long. His Copernican revolution changed the way in which experiential knowledge and personal ideas of such knowledge could be deemed as true. Kant suggested that the mind did not conform to experience, but that experience conformed to the mind. Kant suggested that there were two types of reality â€“ noumenal reality and phenomenal reality. Our experience is facilitated by transcendental ideas. These ideas, Kant suggests, are the way in which experience, the noumena that we cannot know is conformed into the phenomena that we can know (Soccio on Kant, 318). In this singular reversal, Kant provided me with a counterpoint to Hume’s suggestion that self was nothing more than a bundle of perceptions. My self, my cogito, is the is the creator of the perceptions. Without my self, there are no perceptions. As Hume has acknowledged the existence of perceptions, in fact bundles of them, I would insist that he therefore acknowledge my self as the facilitator of those perceptions. is Coperiam Hois 

William James furthers my journey, although in a cursory way. While I understand many of his thoughts, I am having a much tougher time determining his point. His tone suggests that he is directly contradicting Kant’s thoughts on transcendental ideas and sides with Hume on the denial of the existence of self, positioning the self as a “function” versus something real (James – Does Consciousness Exist, 3 – 4). However, I will share how his ideas of experience and his metaphor of both the paint and the room set me up for the apex encounter with Cordova and my final argument that my self does exist and it is real in so far as I identify and understand real. James’ proposal that “things,” e.g., the paint and the room, are real both of themselves and within the context of the being experiencing them situates itself, in my mind, in line with Kant’s description of noumena and phenomena. The paint, the room (noumena) cannot be known by my self outside of the transcendental ideas that shape it into the phenomena. Once I have experienced the paint, the room, there is both the paint, the room as they are and my perception of them in my self. The differences between the actuality of the paint, the room and my perceptions of them may be nonexistent or innumerable; they still exist both in themselves and in my self. James describes this ability to exist in multiplicity as the way a point can exist on two separate lines provided that the lines intersect. To this point, I would suggest that one line being the paint’s, the room’s existence, and the other being my self. Without my self, there is no intersection. Regardless of whether one positions the experience within or without, or considers it by addition or subtraction, and regardless of how many instances of the paint, the room exist based on encounters, if they are able exist outside of themselves at all relies on the existence of my self to interact with it.  

This journey explains why my mind was ready with full preparation to encounter V. F. Cordova. Allow me to venture into the illustrative for a moment and I will conclude with reasoned logic, thus covering, I hope, both the relative and absolute belief I have in my self, and the self of others. I found Cordova’s writing to be beautiful and profound. Her respect of nature and our place in it was complete, whether we as individuals respected it or not. Her ability to confront the human condition as a whole, in parts, relative, and separate had the ability to convey both empathy and straight forward judgements. In her explanation of our relationship to nature, our egg in the womb reliance to that which is around us, I found the final piece, for now, that I needed to put my belief that my existence is real, my self is my existence, therefore my self is real.  

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Joy and Responsibility of Self Awareness

August 3, 2021 by

If we shirk the responsibility of self-awareness, we empower other people and circumstances to shape our lives for us. We live reactively to their scripts and not our own maps.

~ Stephen Covey

Most folks know the following things about me:

  • I am a big thinker who enjoys new ideas and have issues in the area of details
  • I am a professional salesman
  • I am in the real estate industry
  • I have a large family
  • I am easily distracted and passionate
  • I can be loud
  • I have to concentrate to achieve follow through
  • I am working on getting comfortable in my own skin
  • I have no problem telling you any of this

As I look up at the above list, I realize that some of those traits can both be seen as real good stuff and amazing bad habits depending on who is doing the seeing. The wonderful thing is, I see them all as positive. I appreciate the fact that I can look into my own makeup and celebrate those things that are fantastic and forgive and improve those things that need work.

In the lives of each of us, there are traits and people who are less than supportive. They may not be intentional or unkind – they just are. It is important to realize that we need to neither understand nor alter these outside forces. We just need to recognize that there are there. Then the objective becomes to remember that we cannot change the forces outside of us, only those within us.

Today I encourage you to revel in your own self-awareness. Take time to really enjoy the you who makes your piece of the world a better place. Write down those talents and positive traits. Call someone and tell them what your list says and allow them to be excited with you. Include those things that haven’t been brought to a polish yet, but your fortitude is moving you towards improvement. That in itself is a win! Allow others to have their input (that sort of thing can be valuable). But do not allow them to speak contradicting routes into your plans. You are wonderful because you are who you are. Our maps are good. We understand adjustment. We appreciate a co-pilot, but have little need for a backseat driver.

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Integrity

July 13, 2021 by

“It is always worth it to stand on principle. Wrong is wrong even if it was over a penny.”
– Clarence Thomas, United States Supreme Court Justice

It’s that time again. April’s Word of the Day. If I am not careful, this will become habit – I do so enjoy it.

Integrity

  1. firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values
  2. an unimpaired condition
  3. the quality or state of being complete or undivided

That last one is my favorite. Those two words – “complete” and “undivided” – sound like the makings of a good night’s sleep.

The word “integrity” gets thrown around a lot. My optimism says that most people mean it. My realism knows that some don’t. My observation tells that most want it – depending on the cost.

Now, understand – I am all about picking one’s battles wisely. If we choose to die on every hill, we stand a great chance of creating zero change because our effective life is cut way short.  But, being a person of integrity demands that there be a set of morals we hold that refuse to be compromised – regardless of the cost.

Sometimes those values get overshadowed by the on goings of our busy lives or on the road to an ultimate goal. It has happened to the best of us. But, there is no better day than today to regain control of who we are, and not who the world would like to compromise us to be.

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Quality. Need. Connection.

December 22, 2020 by

Our personal growth and evolution are highly dependent on how well we connect with our fellow humans. Connecting with others makes us feel safe, feel loved and makes us live longer.

Day 15 of the 28 Day Self-Growth Plan
How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less by Nicholas Boothman

First, I need to express gratitude for how thrilled I am that I have emerged from the “money & career” week. I’m not knocking it. That’s just not where I am. There have been moments in my life where that was my focus (hence the fact that I had already read 5/7 books offered). And occasionally I dip my toe back in for a little refresher, focuser, ass kick (typically a quick Gary Vee podcast will do it). So, going seven days straight with those summaries became a bit…tiresome.

However, this exercise isn’t about doing what I do when it is fun or easy. It is about building a discipline. Therefore, I feel good about making it through and I am not sorry I combined the last two days OR that I am more excited to move into week three – Love and Sex.

I am glad I was excited. The title of this first offering put me off. The beginning and end of the summary made it better. The middle, not so much.

I’ll explain the put off first.

  • “Make people like you”
  • “Anything that increases the common ground and reduces the distance between you and the other person is a good thing.”
  • “…synchronization gives off the illusion that you deeply relate to the person’s concerns and share their feelings.”

Just yuck. All of that sounds like manipulation and fakery. I can’t get down with either of those things.

But excitement can often lend itself to optimism and that is exactly what has happened here. I noted that I was, in fact, reading a summary. I am well aware that certain ideas can lose their nuance sans context. Because of all the other things I appreciated about this text, I am giving up the yuck to the assumption that context would make it better. Could I be wrong? Sure. It’s worth being wrong to pull the lovely out of the message.

And it was lovely.

Nicholas Boothman identifies two attitude types – Really Useful or Really Useless. Yes, they are capitalized and I kinda love that.

The importance for the Really Useful Attitude is established in the importance placed on connection. This is where I found all the lovely and the inspiration.

The truth is no one can live a quality life in isolation; we need other people to survive. Our personal growth and evolution are highly dependent on how well we connect with our fellow humans.

Quality. Need. Connection.

I feel this in my bones. I have seen it repeatedly. It has changed dramatically in my own life.

I made 44 this year. I absolutely love that. I always answer the “how old are you” question proudly. I was more excited than anyone I know to turn 40. I own all my time, all my years, all my experience. I enjoy the journey of getting older.

And there are things you aren’t quite ready for – things that you wish someone would have told you about so you could be ready. And maybe they did, and you just couldn’t hear it because you can never be ready.

Things like the way your lipstick starts to feather, maintaining a pant size becomes more difficult, sleep patterns shift, patience waxes and wanes in various areas, number of fucks given start to decline, hormones shift, tolerance changes, boundaries move.

You think you are controlling these things, but it is different. Age changes things on a molecular level and you cannot control that. You just have to accept the movement and figure out how to make it work for you.

I made a lot of changes when I turned 40. Damn near all of them. As I look back, I am shocked I made it out as well as I did. It was reckless…”damn the torpedoes” comes to mind. But I did it and it created an overarching shift in everything. Everything. Every. Thing.

At first, I surrounded myself with all the people. I was scared and unsure. I needed distraction and acceptance. That required all the people. This worked fine for me because I have always been extroverted (you’re shocked, I know).

It didn’t last long. The brilliant words of my therapist kept ringing in my ear. “The intensity of the need for distraction increases with the intensity of avoidance.” Yeah, she is THAT good.

If I was going to reclaim my life, I had stop avoiding it. I had to go deep to figure out what the hell was going on. I spent a lot of time there.

I still spend a lot of time there. I have learned a lot about boundaries, energy, intention, authenticity, influence, and relationship. The result has thankfully been that I am more comfortable with myself. The byproduct has also been that I am less comfortable with people. More correctly, I am less comfortable with Useless Attitude people.

In the beginning of the pandemic, I did not leave my home for nearly three months. This is a thing I have never done, come close to doing, or even considered. It was interesting. Most notably, I enjoyed it – a lot. It provided a large chunk of time for me to establish what I would do if I had to do nothing. It enabled a period of clarity that was both eye-opening and comfortable.

The pandemic also created a lens through which we could see other people. A new form of interaction that I can only label as “combative compassion” emerged. It was distressful for me. It is still distressful for me. It also loosened a bit more the hold other people’s opinions have on my mental wellbeing. Lines drawn became so hard as to be unrealistic. Judgements became so singular as to be unfair. The idea of “pigeonholed” reached ridiculous heights.

Attitudes became Useless. Caring for people became a hammer. My ability to people plummeted.

But relationship is so very important. Quality. Need. Connection.

Then it occurred to me while reading this summary that I could, in theory, apply these principles to myself. Connect with myself, listen to myself, impress myself, synchronize with myself, create a Really Useful Attitude towards myself. Make me like myself in 90 seconds or less. Then put that energy out into the world in a way that is open to connecting with like energy. I know there is a lot of it out there. Instead of focusing on being more peoply, I will just be useful and focus on being people ready.

That seriously reduces the yuck.

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