You Can’t Afford My Calendar

December 12, 2020 by

If you could leave the 9-5 rat race, retire faster than you ever thought possible, and have the time and financial freedom to travel the world, how would your life and relationships change? All these are possible, no matter the job you’re currently working, or how deeply indebted you are. The 4-Hour Workweek is a terribly practical handbook on creating the lifestyle you want — and deserve. No theories. No B.S., strictly practical information.

Day 11 of the 28 Day Self-Growth Plan
The 4-Hour Workweek by Tim Ferriss

I first read this book about a decade ago when I was attempting to take my life to the next level. I liked it then and I still like it today.

The executive summary forward (above), however, does not do the book any favors. There’s a couple of things to note about The 4-Hour Workweek.

  • If you are incapable of thinking for yourself, this is not the book for you. Because…
  • If you think you are going to jump into a four-hour work week because you threw down $10-$20 for a book, you are probably gonna miss a light bill

The rest of the summary isn’t so…gimmicky. I don’t remember Ferris being that way either (if he had been, I don’t think I would have enjoyed it). I think the Goodreads blurb is better.

He has spent more than five years learning the secrets of the New Rich, a fast-growing subculture who has abandoned the “deferred-life plan” and instead mastered the new currencies-time and mobility-to create luxury lifestyles in the here and now. Whether you are an overworked employee, or an entrepreneur trapped in your own business, this book is the compass for a new and revolutionary world.

Or, at the very least, it speaks to me differently. See, I have a strong agreement with the idea that, as currency, time and mobility are every bit as important as money.

Don’t misunderstand me. I have been without money. I have been negative money. And maybe one day I will be there again. Anything is possible. But today, I feel pretty good about my financial situation. And in each of these instances, time and mobility were and are just as important as money.

Sometimes I think we confuse “urgency” for “importance.” If a bill needs paying, money is the currency. If a project must be completed or a vacation is being had, time is the currency. If a love one needs you, mobility is the currency. When we don’t have one of these when we need them, it isn’t than one if more important, it’s simply the need is more urgent.

Today, I am far stingier with my time than I am my money. I make professional decisions based on calendar sacrifices. I have told more than one person who wanted to pay me to do something I wasn’t interested in doing, “You can’t afford my calendar.” That’s not arrogance. That is honesty. That’s balance. That’s maintaining priorities.

I don’t require a 4-hour work week. I love the work I do. Sure, sometimes it is stressful, but if it were easy, everybody would do it and where’s the value for me in that? The truth is, I don’t require a standard work week at all. There have been times where I worked 60 – 70 hours a week. There are times I work 2. I don’t really pay attention to how much I work. I pay attention to the results.

And I appreciate Ferris’ acknowledgement of this idea.

There is really nothing wrong with this arrangement if it’s something you enjoy.

And there’s the big idea. What do you have to do to create the life you want to live? What’s the currency budget? What are the priorities? What are the steps?

For me, one of the very first steps is always answering the question, “What’s the worst thing that could happen?”  This isn’t negative thinking. For me, this is calling all the fear out, front and center, right off the bat, so it doesn’t sneak up on me and paralyze me later.

And I am way overly dramatic with my answers because I need them to be honest. I don’t need to be timid in addressing my fears because they WILL show up; it’s not if, it’s when.

For instance, when Mike told me he loved me, had always loved me, and would always love me, I thought, “Ok, what’s the worst thing that could happen?” Answer: He has spent the last 17 years hating me and devising a horrid plan to wreck my entire life and leave me in a bayou somewhere.

Or, when we decided to go out on our own and start our own business. “Ok, what’s the worst thing that could happen?” Answer: This could be a complete financial ruin, we lose everything, and end up in a cardboard box under the bridge.

Told you – dra.ma.tic.

What has actually happened? The couple starring in the best love story of all time is having a lot of fun running a pretty successful little shop.

But I faced the fear, the absolute worst thing. And I asked myself, “Can you come back from that?” The answer both times was “yes” so I kept moving forward.

Now don’t get me wrong. That shit is still scary. I am scared most of the time. A person can’t function that way, at least I can’t. So, I have learned that just because I feel afraid, doesn’t mean I have to behave afraid. And if I know I can come back from whatever the worst possible thing is, I can keep moving forward – for the next 4 hours or 40 😊

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Effective > Efficient

December 7, 2020 by

The best way to achieve sustainable change is to develop healthy habits. The 7 habits shared presented here are pragmatic and universal irrespective of who you are or where you live right now.
Day 8 of the 28 Day Self-Growth Plan
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey

As much as I actually enjoyed last week (even the misses), I must admit I was looking forward to this week for different reasons. Sure, it has been great exercise getting into the writing groove again. It has been inspiring and motivating to get little crash courses of self-development work.

But this week I knew I had read, in their entirety, five of the seven titles. This would be the week where I could fairly decide whether the other summaries I had read before and will read later were decent in their content. I don’t know why this was important to me except that maybe I felt compelled to give the ones I didn’t particularly care for last week the benefit of the doubt.

Well, that discussion will have to wait for another time because I have been firmly reminded how good The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People really is. Seriously, if you haven’t read this book in its full-length format, I cannot recommend it enough. The Franklin Covey website states it best:

Stephen R. Covey’s book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People®, continues to be a best seller for the simple reason that it ignores trends and pop psychology and focuses on timeless principles of fairness, integrity, honesty, and human dignity. 

And honestly, I know I said I wasn’t going to just book report this stuff, but 7 Habits is bullet point worthy.

The executive summary points out the key areas of focus to achieve effectiveness. As one would suspect, each of these seven areas coincides with a habit. Why do I trust the habits? Because I believe you are hard pressed to find a better focus list.

  • Focus 1: To choose to be proactive rather than reactive
    Habit 1: Be proactive
  • Focus 2: To visualize the end of an endeavor before we begin it
    Habit 2: Begin with the end in mind
  • Focus 3: To schedule our priorities rather than prioritizing our schedule
    Habit 3: Schedule your priorities
  • Focus 4: To seek what is beneficial for everyone involved
    Habit 4: Think win-win
  • Focus 5: To understand others first so that they can understand us
    Habit 5: Seek first to understand, then to be understood
  • Focus 6: To work with others to achieve exponential results
    Habit 6: Synergize
  • Focus 7: To keep an effective system running
    Habit 7: Sharpen the saw

I could stop here. Really, there’s so much there that adding my little two cents won’t increase the worth at all. But I am excited about it. So that’s what I want to tell you about. That’s the part I want to record.

I know that I have heard the idea before, but on this day in 2020, “Many of us are working efficiently but not effectively. We are achieving goals that won’t matter in the end” just hit different.

How long have I strived to be efficient? How many times just since last week have I talked about my time management and scheduling difficulties? Organization, planning, prioritizing – all in the name of efficiency. Because really, if I get MORE done (efficient) regardless of WHAT (importance) those check marks are, isn’t that a win? In short, no, it isn’t. How much would I miss out on by not focusing more on effectiveness?

And because that idea struck me in a new way, so did the idea of quadrants.

Quadrant 1 – Urgent/Important
Quadrant 2 – Not Urgent/Important
Quadrant 3 – Urgent/Not Important
Quadrant 4 – Not Urgent/Not Important

Which Quadrant should I focus most on? Instinctively I said Quadrant 1. I was wrong. It is Quadrant 2. Of course it is Quadrant 2. These are the important, non-urgent things

  • The kid that will wait for you to read to him
  • The friend that understands when you don’t call back
  • The spouse that keeps dinner warm
  • The sibling whose birthday gets forgotten
  • The gym schedule that keeps getting put off
  • The vacation that never gets planned

Not urgent because the world won’t burn down if you don’t do them. The people that love you will understand, mostly. Your body will make do without self-care, for a time. Mostly, and only for a time.

That’s why I am here right now. I haven’t stopped since 4:30 this morning. I have all these things that are “important” and “urgent.” And I do not make light of them. I respect the importance and time sensitive nature of my work and those who depend on me to meet deadlines.

I also know that I put more pressure on myself to overperform. I attempt to deliver higher quality at an earlier date. While commendable, is that type of quadrant placement effective?

No.

Writing is important to me. Exercise is important to me. Morning coffee, a movie with my family, schedule flexibility for my husband, college. These things are important to me as well. They deserve the effective, engaged, productive, parts of me – not the efficient, mark the box version.

Sharpen the saw…even when you don’t realize it is dull…keep sharpening.

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The Knowledge of Fallibility

December 3, 2020 by

You are more likely to learn something by finding surprises in your own behavior than by hearing surprising facts about people in general.
~ Day 3 of the 28 Day Self-Growth Plan
Thinking, Fast and Slow, by Daniel Kahneman

Today’s summary was a tough read. I think it is because it is more material heavy than many books in this genre and therefore harder to summarize. Written by Noble Prize winner Daniel Kahneman, there is a ton of supporting science explaining the way the brain works to make choices. If someone was super interested in that kind of thing, get the whole book – this summary ain’t gonna cut it.

What it DID do, however, was leave me feeling completely validated in my crazy. I am not entirely sure that was the author’s intent, yet here we are. The steps offered to help control the thought process is one I do all the time. I don’t know that any of my mental work has ever been labeled “fast,” but it is methodical and, evidently, scientifically supported.

That’s so scary.

I am not entirely sure where to go from here in today’s musings. The idea of a summary of the summary is not very appealing. That was never my intention for this little project and I am not super interested in making an exception. The whole of the notes I took while reading the summary are pretty wide encompassing. I have don’t the patience, nor expect you to have it, to write a dissertation outlining my brain spaghetti. Honestly, I don’t even know that I am equipped for that kind of undertaking yet.

What I am equipped for is telling you about the surprising way in which the scientific facts of the Nobel Prize winning psychologist reminded me of a passage written by Pat Conroy. Dr. Kahneman says:

Inadequate and inaccurate history about the past tend to affect the present and the future…The illusion of understanding is a major determinant in the way people think and approach life. The knowledge of the past, rewritten to suit certain narratives, only talk about things that happened, neglecting things that didn’t happen. These narratives have created the belief in humans that as long as they can know the past, they can shape the future. But how well can a future be shaped when the knowledge about the past is a result of an inaccurate description?

This unfortunate truth is something that I have always been keenly aware of. I understand how flawed my memory is. I also understand how accurate it can be. Unfortunately, because accuracy is not 100%, there is never a time when my account of my own life cannot be called into question by someone else. For a long time I allowed this singular fact to be wielded like a weapon across my boundaries, my beliefs, and my ownership of my story.

Pat Conroy says:

I will speak from my memory- my memory- a memory that is all refracting light slanting through prisms and dreams, a shifting, troubled riot of electrons charged with pain and wonder. My memory often seems like a city of exiled poets afire with the astonishment of language, each believing in the integrity of his own witness, each with a separate version of culture and history, and the divine essentional fire that is poetry itself.

Yet the laws of recall are subject to distortion and alienation. Memory is a trick, and I have lied so often to myself about my own role and the role of others that I am not sure I can recognize the truth about those days. But I have come to believe in the unconscious integrity of lies. I want to record even them. Somewhere in the immensity of the lie the truth gleams like the pure, light-glazed bones of an extinct angel… I write my own truth, in my own time, in my own way, and take full responsibility for its mistakes and slanders. Even the lies are part of my truth.

Because my memory is imperfect does not make my ability to move forward into the future impossible. Everyone has an imperfect memory – even those who are nearly perfect. We must move forward anyway. Because my memory is imperfect does not make me incapable of knowing and understanding my past. It does not forfeit my ownership of my story. It does not remove my right to put voice to it.

It does require, in my personal moral lexicon, that I refuse the allure of indignation – righteous or otherwise – at least most of the time. Because I attempt fairness in that my memory may not be reliable, I must also concede that my recollection of mistreatment may be flawed. Do not misunderstand, some events are simply fact and I give no quarter to myself or others in those. However, the subjective is left open, at least in part, to interpretation.

However, it is time to let that knowledge of fallibility cease to be a reason to not put voice to my thoughts. “I write my own truth, in my own time, in my own way, and take full responsibility for its mistakes and slanders. Even the lies are part of my truth.”

I’m going to go workout – I’m too much even for myself today…

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Sunflower Truth

September 15, 2019 by

Just saw this amazingly awesome meme and

Me: OMG! That’s the most beautiful thing ever! Nature is the OG harbinger of a wonderful, beautiful life

Other Me: I bet that’s a total crock of internet shit

Yeah, it’s like living with two squabbling siblings in your head. Don’t feel sorry for me, it’s my husband that’s the saint.

Anyway, Me and Other Me had to know so we go to the googles

Fact is, sunflowers don’t turn and face each other.

Other Me: Told you

Another fact, they don’t track the sun during the day either.

All the Mes: Huh?

Nope. If you simulate a different sun pattern time, the flowers will stick to their own rhythm and become off sync with the movement of the “sun”. Sunflowers are inner wired with a circadian rhythm that varies their stem growth which tracks the flower head east to west. Once the flower fully matures, the flower head will stay facing permanently east.

Therefore, they neither react to cloudy and gray nor the sunny and bright. Additionally, what this picture has captured is a grown, and not yet grown sunflower occupying the same place.

Other Me: That shit about the sun is a little sad, but worth it to obliterate another piece of internet drivel.

Me: A little sad?? A little?? It’s a lot sad. They are sunflowers for crying out loud and the symbol of keeping your chin up and face in the light, and reaching up, and…and…and…well, now I just can’t.

I thought about the sunflower a little longer in an effort to find an appropriate middle ground for my inappropriately dramatic selves. And, in sincerity, I do think that much of every question is already answered somewhere in the cycles and behavior of nature.  

So I propose this about our friend the sunflower.

I agree it was a little cool to think about this flower hanging out in nature doing whatever its little flower self had to do to keep its face in the sun. But honestly, this is way cooler. The sunflower is nobody’s punk – not even then sun. Sure, Sunflower bounces around giving off the airy vibe of peace, love, and sunshine, but don’t mistake its daily yoga practice for putting up with just anybody’s bitch ass. Sunflower has its own shit to handle.  Sunflower has its own groove, its own rhythm. And Sunflower is gonna follow it – rainy day or no.

Bonus thought. Yes, I know if is just a meme. By the way, this last idea is probably gonna sound a bit heavier than I intend it to, but whatevs. I think it’s important that you know I thought it in the midst of everything going on up there.

Anyway, I know it is just a meme. I also know that, unlike many memes, this small bit of misinformation is pretty benign and harmless. But it is still misinformation. And, if I tie back into my thought that answers to our greatest challenges are probably waiting to be found in the natural, then misinformation can be detrimental.  

More over (and this is where I know it gets a little much, but still true), the past few years have made owing, speaking, protecting my truth top priority. A by product of that is the allowance, hope, and expectation that those around me have some of that going on themselves. Sunflower has that and deserves to be appreciated for its actual truth, not some truth some internet meme maker created about it. I get super defensive of truth – even the little Sunflower’s.

Although, honestly, Sunflower probably doesn’t care what you think about it. There’s another life lesson in nature.

Filed Under: Chrysalis, The Thinking Chair Tagged With: , ,

There is so much more going on here…

February 16, 2019 by

When I came across this quote last week, I knew there was a lot there. I also knew I wasn’t going to wait to figure out what all the a lot was before I shared it. It is one of those that, on its face is fine…but the more, the more is where the goods are.

Before we go any further, let me clarify that although Morgan Freeman is in the picture, I’m not sure he said this. Even if he did, British philosopher James Allen said it first – or something pretty damn close to it. And since he was born in the 1800’s, he probably is older than Morgan. For those who are super curious, the Allen work is As a Man Thinketh and the actual quote is, “Self-control is strength. Right thought is mastery. Calmness is power.” There, I feel better. On to our regularly scheduled program.

The More. There is so much more going on here. The kicks are in the qualifiers… “based on” … “insignificant” … “others to control” … “overpower.”

Seems like a small thing. It isn’t. It throws back to a bit of the “don’t mistake my kindness for weakness” idea, although not quite.

I’ve been mulling over this idea for a week and I’m still not quite sure how to noun and verb my intent.

Figured it out…it’s in my journal and must be addressed first. Let me go clean it up and then we will circle back…

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The REAL Thing Confident Women Do

July 17, 2018 by

I’m about to let you in on a little secret. Caveat: if you have ever been to my house, watched me work, or know me at all, this is not a bombshell. I lean decidedly towards the “dis” side of the “organized” spectrum. My intentions, however golden they may be, have never quite been enough to tip those scales. As such, I attempt to, as regularly as I can muster, take a bite of the clutter elephant and put order into the chaos.

Today the task was to go through all my “saved” posts I had clipped on Facebook. It really is quite the handy feature. I save all sorts of things: recipes I’ll likely never make, videos I’ll forget to share, articles I probably won’t read, and topics that I intend to, at some point, maybe, write about.

I can only assume that “22 Things Confident Women Don’t Do” falls into the “articles I probably won’t read” category. But, because I needed to decide whether it was a delete or keep, I clicked through.

I have decided the article would be more accurate if titled something like “22 Things Imaginary Woman Don’t Do” or “22 Unattainable Ideals” or, my personal favorite “Hey Chica, come here and let me kick you in the teeth you inadequate, less than female”.

The list is full of bumper sticker declarations that have the same shallow effect that messages of this type typically have – on the surface they are simple and concise lending the appearance of noble, healthy, and appropriate, but taste all of it for just a minute and it’s just over processed non-food.

In order to maintain perspective (I am prone to knee jerk in these moments of self doubt), I sat with it a while. I am still sitting with it as I do not know the writer and it is not my desire to assume her intention. I have understood for a long time that once you put nouns and verbs together and release them into the world, the intention you insert into the blank spaces may or may not be the intention received by the reader when they, in their own place, encounter those spaces.

However, I have also understood that the responsibility in preserving your message by the surrounding nouns and verbs you choose to couch it in is a real one. Since the author chose to launch her list with “See how many of this list of pitfalls you avoid and how you measure up as a confident woman,” the blank spaces are filled with judgement, condescension, and beratement.

I am currently sitting here contemplating the desire to go through each of the 22 things on this list and refute them. They are ALL refutable; not in the base idea necessarily, but in the absoluteness of the structure. I think that is what a confident woman can do when confronted with the idea that someone’s uneducated opinion of personal behavior is summarily judged and condemned without perspective.

The debater in me wants to follow that path so bad I literally had to step away from the computer to consider it without my fingers poised on keys.

However, I respectfully decline to go that route. Should the course of any conversation that results lend itself to discussing the particulars, so be it. Today, the confident woman in me has a different hierarchy of priorities. Because that is real life. That is how real shit goes. I am not everything everyday. While I may not be consistently immune to self doubt, worry, or the need to people please in my behavior, I am consistently confident as a person.

And there’s the realness of my confidence and the confidence of women, people, I know. I am not ashamed of my vulnerability. I do not judge harshly my base behaviors that I work out in safe spaces with those who know me well and allow me to be safe and vulnerable and real. I am confident in me and confident in them. I hope that is what you find in these blank spaces.

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My Schedule is Shit and I have Little Idea What I am Doing (Normalcy and Worthiness)

July 16, 2018 by

May 18, 2018

I’m going to be super honest up front and fess up to that post title being a bit misleading. My schedule currently is shit, AND I have little idea what I am doing. But, those are two separate ideas. My schedule is currently shit, but not BECAUSE I have little idea what I am doing.

As is par for my current course, the past seven months have brought about exponential amounts of change. I quit a seriously well paying job with copious amounts of benefits just because I hated it (well, that and he said our family finances could handle it and I always trust him). I found myself unemployed (yes, I know being the supportive partner, primary caregiver of children, and general house CEO is a job – you know what I mean) for the first time since I was 14.

That, in itself, is enough. There’s more obviously. But
***************

July 16, 2018

But, once again, I have no idea where I was going with that little revelation up there. I can’t for the life of me remember what little gem I had stumbled upon in my own brain that compelled me to the keyboard. Neither can I remember the fact of life that took me from it. Sitting here this morning on this back porch, I have the most wonderful peace of realization that what I do know is that I do not care.

It isn’t that I don’t care to remember what the things were or that events in my normal day to day aren’t important to me – they obviously are. It is simply that what I do remember of that small bit of writing time is the feeling of listlessness. The feeling, once again of being too much and not enough. That in my being there was something purposeful and I in my inability was not living up to the occasion and the occasion was important.

Here, on this back porch, I realize that none of those things are true and that is a better insight than anything I had discovered on that day. Understand I am appreciative of that insight, whatever it was as it, no doubt, was a piece of the path. And there is a small part of the writer in me that wishes I had the words from then if only to have a better view of the picture now. But not so much that it disturbs me. And that is progress.

There are those who are always one goal post away from “being there.” A job, house, a spouse, a goal – then, then they can experience happy, there they can find joy. Until then, they are head down, easily agitated, and sacrificing the joy in the now for the joy in the future. Because joy doesn’t work in that way, the goal is accomplished and they don’t find what they are looking for. Instead of adjusting their understanding of joy, they create another goal post. Rinse. Wash. Repeat.

There is me. While this cycle is not one I typically find myself caught in, I have recently wrenched myself out of a small bout with it. It was abstract so I didn’t recognize it at first. But I had created two goal posts in my brain – normalcy and worthiness. If I could achieve those two things, then I could relax just a bit.

Normalcy and worthiness. At least I picked small things, amirite?

In my brain, I had convinced myself that those around me deserved these things. They deserved consistency, they deserved stability, they deserved a person that could create these things for them and present them as whole and easy. My life is so utterly amazing, I needed to do these things to be worthy of the love I receive. I needed to be good enough to deserve this life, to deserve the love.

In my appreciation of the wonderful, I had forgotten to keep perspective of the journey. And the journey is only “normal” in that we are all on one, both with ourselves and with those we love. And worthiness? That’s just like joy. It comes from within not from without.

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Making a Home, to Live, in the Now

April 19, 2018 by

The Thinking ChairMy Thinking Chair is the gift that keeps on giving. I bought it and introduced you to it in 2016. That was the year I turned 40. That was the year I did a lot of things. My Thinking Chair comforted and inspired. Consoled and protected. It is the space where I am able to continually create new space.

We have talked about one of my Thinking Chair activities where I go through the things I wrote in the time from ago and evaluate them in the light of the now. I finally came across the piece where I described buying and living in my Thinking Chair. I shared the actual dictionary definition of the word “live” and explained how I remain alive in my Thinking Chair choosing that definition of “live” as more appropriate for the feelings at hand.

That piece came to me again in its due time. The second definition was untouched in that previous piece written in the time ago as it held little to no resonance for me then.

make one’s home in a particular place or with a particular person

This idea did not feel attainable for my life during much of my 30’s. In fact, in that last year of my thirties I was far more active in tearing down the facade of a home I tried to build as it had become Munchkin Land crushing to a heart that was feeling unrecognizably more like the Wicked Witch everyday.

For a moment I thought that was what I was becoming – bitter, unhappy, cold, unrecognizable, distant. That isn’t my skin. That isn’t my way. That isn’t my heart. That isn’t my home. It had to become the time from ago or I would lose the person I was always supposed to be. I decided I would rather be homeless than live in a home that wasn’t mine.

It isn’t lost on me that I chose to leave the definition I would not acknowledge in the time from ago only to happen back upon it in the now when my heart is open to it. I appreciate the wisdom of my past self even if I wasn’t always the best at paying attention to all the smart things she had to say. The gift finds me in 2018, in this life, in the now, that I live with my love and heart in tact. I see the rest of the definition.

make one’s home in a particular place or with a particular person

First off, if you have read any of this with the “home = house” disposition, stop and read it again without it. Accept my apologies that I didn’t mention it sooner. Accept then again that I do not feel compelled to edit this to put that little clarifier higher up in the reading. I can’t pinpoint the reason I refuse to do that edit. It just feels wrong some how and I don’t particularly feel compelled to question it any more than that.

Now that I can see this definition of “live” in concert with the capability of feeling a real sense of home, the word “or” smacks me in the face. I don’t like it. I don’t want to choose place or person to describe this freedom of “live” or this comfort of creating home. Then I realize it’s fine. While it only takes either to fit the dictionary definition, who is to say you can’t have the “and”? Maybe because I feel I am filling both qualifiers, the bigness I feel in the “live” is understandable.

A lot of work has gone into the achievement of skin comfort. I am proud of it. I relapse far less often than I use to. Exponentially so. It is a powerful feeling to understand and appreciate ones worth and to honor the self just as she is. I now live in my skin in a real way. I enjoy the home I have created in that place. It no longer feels foreign or unfamiliar.

I have made this home with the love of a man who is more supportive than I ever could have imagined another person being. I realize there is supposed to be some sort of self creation and self propulsion in this era of “I can do it all my damn self”. I have addressed that already and I still make no apologies. I found the one for whom my soul was made before either of us were smart enough to know what to do about that. Our paths did what they did and I am forever grateful that we were able to find our way back to this place of home.

He once told me that during the years we were apart, he would call my name in the moments before he fell asleep. He didn’t know why he did it, but he had developed a method for putting me back into the box that my memory escaped from when his mind was trying to find rest. For all the times I have now fallen asleep in his arms, I have never once heard this happen. Partly in jest, partly in earnest, I suggested to him recently that maybe he was making that story up during the early days of our reconnection. No, he insisted without hesitation. “I think that was just my soul calling out for yours and now it just doesn’t have to do that anymore.”

make one’s home in a particular place or with a particular person

And now in my skin, in his arms, in the comfort of my chair, I live.

 

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Writing and Keeping Receipts on Myself

April 9, 2018 by

Recently I came across a writing folder that contained my earliest works. I mean like 30 years ago early. I experienced a whole range of emotions flipping through the pages. That is a topic for another day. But I mention it because that feeling of holding a piece of you that you had long since forgot about is a part of why this text from a friend struck me as holding way more meaning than she probably considered.

I looked at a few of the pieces. It occurred to me that while they really weren’t that good, maybe they could be. Maybe that could be a long term project of idea mining and rewriting into something that is actually readable. Maybe I could tap back into the spirit and rework the attempt and make it better.

Then I realized I couldn’t remember writing any of it. I know that it was me. I recognize the format, the paper, the typeset. My name is on them. But I don’t remember the act of actually writing them. It occurred to me how different that was from the project a few months back when I went through all the Turn Around Tuesdays I had written. I could remember all of that. Sometimes I could remember too much.

Then this text came through. “Envious” and “appreciate” jumped out at me. The feeling was a bit overwhelming and it has taken a minute to sort that all out. The text, and my feelings towards it, hold a lot of truth, some of them seemingly contradicting.

First, I am appreciative, both of the text and my writing. I appreciated my friend and her willingness to be a positive influence on my life. I know she is a regular reader of my words and it gave me a sense of pride that she sees growth in it. I do appreciate all the bonuses and benefits that come with being a writer. Much of who I am as a person, who I am able to be, comes from the fact that I can put words together in a way that makes sense to me and untangles all the thoughts. It also allows me to taste ideas, experiences, memories, lessons, in a way that I just can’t any other way. I am supremely appreciative for all those things.

I understand envy as well. I have friends that are accomplished in ways I really want to be but haven’t quite figured out yet. I watch people deal with situations, employ a mental flexibility, that I haven’t quite mastered. I am familiar with the want of that not yet obtained. It is interesting to find that my writing catalog has provoked that, especially when the this huge blessing, like most, has a tiny bit of curse hanging around.

Curse probably isn’t the most appropriate word choice. But it is something akin to that. There is somewhat of a burden that comes with having a great deal of your thoughts manifest themselves in a real way so that later, when you are investigating thoughts, you have this tangible thing from the time before. In essence, I keep receipts on myself.

Today, sitting here, I am more appreciative than I am burdened. As I close this one thought, I am already bursting at the seams to begin another. That, my friends, is a good day indeed.

Filed Under: Writing Tagged With: , , ,

April on Quora: Cheaters, Pregnancy, SAHM, and Marrying Bipolar

March 27, 2018 by

I have to tell you, as the first post to catalog my answers over at Quora, I don’t know about how I am doing the titles. I mean seriously, look at that – “Cheaters, Pregnancy, SAHM, and Marrying Bipolar” – really? This could be a trash afternoon talk show.

But it isn’t. I think you’ll see by the answers.

Why can’t I leave my husband when I know he won’t stop cheating?

One of two things are true. Either you don’t care that he cheats or you do. Either answer is fine. It’s your vagina. You are grown and are allowed to do with it what you want. It’s your marriage. You are allowed to exist in it the way you want. That isn’t anybody else’e judgement call. You’ll find lots of people who expect you to live your life according to their expectations. Those aren’t your people. I would be careful what advice you let into your headspace. The last thing you need are other people assaulting your worth.

However, from the way you stated your question, I am going to assume you do care and you would rather he didn’t.

You can’t leave him because you just don’t want to leave him. And because no one is likely to tell you this, that is just okay. You may want to want to leave him, but you aren’t there yet. I get it. You probably didn’t meet him and marry him the same day. It is fair deciding you don’t want to be married anymore takes time too. Take the time.

In truth, you may not even want to get there. Many marriages survive infidelity. Many don’t. Guess what? None of that matters because we are talking about your marriage particularly and personally.

We all have the capacity to be a strong, fierce. amazing people. Whether we decide to act within that capacity is a constant choice. Some days that is easier to harness than others. That’s just okay.

The question I would ask you is what did you do today to love yourself? How did you honor your greatness as a person? In what ways did you do things that felt in line with who you are at your core? That’s where all the answers are and that’s where the path to your best life is.

What should I buy my wife as a gift for the birth of our first child?

This answer is going to probably found by paying close attention to her pregnancy journey. And if I am going to beg you not to judge, or protect her from allowing others to judge, her coming into a new momness. She is entering into the most supportive, wonderful, potentially vicious group on the planet.

If being the mommy is super cool to her, a gift that reflects that would be special. Think something that would be appropriate on Mother’s Day.

If she is feeling a bit overwhelmed, think about something that would bring her comfort. The spa idea is great, just remember she won’t be real capable of enjoying that fully during her recovery.

If she is feeling a bit taken over, a gift that is specifically for her would probably be well received.

Whatever you decide on, remember that she was your sexy, desired, loved wife first. In fact, always remember that and make sure she knows that’s still what you see.

Delivering a child is the most beautifully gross thing ever. I came out of each of my deliveries feeling like the strongest badass on the planet. I also felt gross. My body looked and did less than stereo typically attractive stuff in the process of bringing each new life into the world.

The truth is honoring and loving all the parts of her, being in awe of what she is doing, is the best gift you could give her. But something in a pretty wrapped box is an excellent idea. Just the fact that you thought enough to ask the question suggests you are going to do just fine. Congratulations to your family.

Can a stay-at-home mom be fulfilled?

Outside of some rare characteristic, I believe all people have the capacity to be fulfilled.

The journey to finding that usually starts with a reframing or a solid truth acknowledgment of the question in the first place.

Your question – Can a {insert personal label or characteristic here} be fulfilled?
Answer – Yes

The flow chart next step is, “Do I currently feel fulfilled?”

That is where the magic starts.

I can only assume your current answer is “no.” Otherwise, there would be no question.

As a people, we are inundated with assaults to our authenticity. Moms are, in my opinion, the toughest hit targets (For the “Other” Moms) In that collective, it is easy to lose sight of what we actual feel in exchange for what we think we ought to feel.

Capacity for fulfillment happens when we understand that achieving it comes from the sum of our whole, not a sliver of ourselves to which we have attached a label. Especially one that is, by nature, temporary.

How is it to be married to a bipolar person?

It’s the same as being married to anybody else. Seriously. I’ll explain.

Rarely are people blessed with perfect health throughout their lives. If your spouse has high blood pressure, cancer, hemophilia, diabetes, whatever, they have to take that into consideration with their diet and medical choices. That is exponentially easier with a higher rate of success when the spouse is supportive.

Communication is key in a marriage. You have to talk, understand, be patient, assume the best intentions, remember that you love the person standing in front of you.

Boundaries are essential. Regardless of condition, we are entitled to create and maintain boundaries concerning how we will and won’t be treated as people. If you are married to a person who tests those boundaries often, you have to make a decision on whether the relationship is a healthy one. This truth does not change based on a diagnosis.

All marriages have characteristics that make them different from other marriages. But in all of them, it takes support, communication, love, boundaries, effort, and intention.

Filed Under: The Thinking Chair Tagged With: , ,