Rituals and Routines

December 4, 2020 by

Deep work is the ability to focus without distraction on a cognitively demanding task. It’s a skill that allows you to quickly master complicated information and produce better results in less time.
~ Day 4 of the 28 Day Self-Growth Plan
Deep Work, by Cal Newport

First, let me thank you for your patience. I am also thanking myself for my own patience. This 28-day project isn’t just an attempt to achieve a new level of growth using 28 possibly well curated executive summaries. In fact, it isn’t that at all.

It is an attempt to prove that I can, in fact push publish every day. I think that sounds easier than what it actually is.

In my brain, there is A LOT that goes into pushing publish. There is content, appropriateness, ancillary repercussions, images, readability, relatability, accountability, spelling, grammar, attribution, keywords, excitement, time, snippets, fear, love, explanation, context, word count, timing, completeness, structure, reception, clarity, purpose, intention, the white spaces…

See, my brain is a super fun place…

However, I have a theory that it isn’t really all that complicated. I have a theory that suggests I have made it that complicated so I can have a ready-made excuse for not doing it. See, I got rid of all my legitimate excuses some time ago. What I didn’t let go of fully was my fear. But that can’t be the reason because, well, I have made a commitment to not let fear run my show. So, let me make this other reason.

It isn’t that complicated to push publish. Images and all that website stuff are easy – find them or *gasp* just don’t use them. Most of that other stuff assumes I make money doing this – I don’t. I mean, wouldn’t that be fine, but I write because it is who I am, not because it is what I do. So, if it sucks sometimes, so what? Don’t like it? Whatever, you got it for free. We can both try again tomorrow.

And that’s kinda what happened yesterday. I was in a headspace that was a tad overwhelming. I had a few choices that ranged from faking it to quitting and skipping the day. I decided to just say it – I can’t even today, I have given you what I have, I have given myself what I had, I’m going to go do something else now, we will try again tomorrow. And then I hit publish.

Then I started to work on clearing out the clutter in my brain. Fun fact, it didn’t work – but it did improve and that’s good enough for me. There’s no reason to think I can fix whatever in a day. More importantly, I am not broken. I am wondrous just the way I am and just happen to be the kind of person who regularly wonders, “How much better can I be?”

So as the universe is apt to do, today’s executive summary suggests that distracted work (shallow work) and multi-tasking are counterproductive to real cognitive work (deep work).

This is tough for me because my day to day is not typical. I have several work environments in my home and office. I am the COO of our home and our business. I am a full-time college student with a hybrid online/in person schedule. I have children, employees, friends. I have a husband who may or may not still be 15 years old and is the poster child for ADHD. In short, the only thing that is definite on my calendar is kid drop off and pick up from school – and even that isn’t always my responsibility.

For instance, right this very second, my assistant sent me a text about a work related issue, the dryer played its “hey, I’m done come get your clothes out before I wrinkle them” song, and my coffee needs a warm up. But I am in the middle of a sentence here and if I get up, I know there is a good chance I won’t be able to pick up this thought again because it’s a real time thought. But priorities…and now I am ankle deep in a dilemma of where to focus my attention.

In all honesty, I like it this way. So, I don’t like ALL of it. But when I consider the alternatives, this works for me. What I lose in structure and security I gain in freedom and flexibility.

But I don’t think Newport is wrong:

Deep work requires a distraction-free environment, a high level of concentration, and it ultimately improves your skills, which in turn leads to value addition…

When an individual switches from task A to Task B, his 100 percent attention does not automatically switch to the new task, some remains stuck at the original task A. This is attention residue…even if you complete task A before switching, part of your attention will still remain on task A for a while. Working in a semi-distraction state is counterproductive…you create a new target for your attention, and by seeing a task B you cannot accomplish at the moment, you will be switching back to task A, with task B left unfinished.

The answer in my opinion – block scheduling.

What’s the one thing that will not ever work in my life – block scheduling.

You may think this would frustrate me. In another life it would have. Not in this one. In this one, I understand that there is more than one answer. I also understand that while Newport is right, he is not the ONLY right.

I am thankful for this particular attention getter today. It has reminded me that it is time to consider my planner choice for 2021. In 2020 I switched from a paper planner to a digital planner using GoodNotes and BOSS Personal Planner. I am not opposed to this setup again. I am opposed to not checking out other options. So, it went on my list of things to do today.

Block schedules don’t work for me. But lists do and I have gotten much better at using them (damn dryer is making noise AGAIN – I can HEAR the clothes wrinkling!) Robust planners with daily pages and monthly overviews keep me focused without being confining and flexible without forgetting. The digital piece works for me because I take my iPad everywhere. Literally, I picked my newest handbag based on this singular fact.

Newport suggested that life be “rituals and routines.” I understand the premise. I am not interested in the implementation. There is almost always more than one way to do the thing…

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Confronting Fear

September 9, 2018 by

It isn’t always comfortable or easy – carrying your fear around with you on your great and ambitious road trip, I mean – but it is always worth it, because if you can’t learn to comfortably travel alongside your fear, then you will never be able to go anywhere interesting or do anything interesting.
~ Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic.

I have a hard time with fear, mostly because I have a lot of it. I find that unfortunate as I believe it is one of the two primary emotions. And if I am fearful, if the majority of my thoughts are fear based, how much capacity can I have for love, the other primary emotion? Is a person’s emotional capacity finite? Does a person who feels a large amount a fear handicap themselves from being able to feel large amounts of love?

I want the answer to that question to be “no.” I want to sit here (in fact I have already tried) and say that I think that a fearful person is as capable as a less fearful person to express, receive, and process love based thoughts. And the best that I can do is to acknowledge that it might be true for some people.

It is not true for me.

I do not travel comfortably along side my fear. We are not road dogs. We do not have a working relationship. The secondary feelings my fear produces are not helpful. It does not energize, motivate, provide productive adrenaline, or excite. My fear is in no way functional.

I can recognize fear when it presents itself in the “normal” ways in response to the “normal” things I am afraid of. That is typical fear and, for me, falls more into the instinctual “fight, flight, or freeze” dynamic that I think is normal and appropriate for most people. It is the less obvious instances that create journey difficulties. In those situations, I am learning to recognize when fear is the dominate force. If I am feeling overwhelmed, indecisive, melancholy, or distracted, I am more than likely operating in fear. Unfortunately in these nuanced situations, I am still only able to assess this truth outside of the moment, after behaviors have been decided and choices made. Not ideal.

But I think I have discovered a strategy that may help in becoming less fearful – at least for me. Funny thing about it, it’s super scary. Let’s see if I can coherently walk you through my thought process…

Shame derives its power from being unspeakable.
~ Brene Brown, Daring Greatly

In all the things that Brene has ever said or written, this one point has resonated with me the most. I have found it to be 100% true and I have successfully employed it a number of times. My ability to handle shame laden feelings has become quite proficient if I do say so myself.

In Brene’s research on shame, she has created a definition that I think works: Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.

She more simply states it this way – Shame is the fear of disconnection.

So if shame is the fear of disconnection, then I can deduce that shame belongs to the primary fear and not the primary love. And if speaking shame works to neutralize it, then maybe the root emotion fear has the same Achilles’ heel.

*Note – I originally wrote “dispels” instead of “neutralize.” I think recording that edit is important. Shame, fear, are never dispelled. They always exists somewhere in some form. It is unrealistic for me to set the goal as “I will never be fearful.” I do not need to find a way to make fear nonexistent. I need to find a way to remove its influence in my decision making. The better goal for me is to transform fear into a decision neutral force.

In considering this thought it occurs to me that fear rarely gets named or called out. We hear the questions “are you okay,” “what’s wrong,” “is everything alright” and the like. What if the question was, “What are you afraid of right now?”

In considering areas of my life where I know I need improvement, time management is a big one and has been for quite a while. I sat with that one this morning and couched the idea in the new “what are you afraid of” strategy. The issue sprung open like seedling that was just looking for the right path to the surface. The obstacles were obvious. I suck at time management because I am afraid of choosing the right priorities. I am afraid when I do choose, I will execute the choice poorly. I am afraid that my choices will inadvertently reveal some actual truth or misconstrued truth about me that cause others to feel negatively about me. I am afraid that I will fail in following my schedule and appear incapable, undisciplined, lazy.

That’s a lot of bullshit going on when all we are talking about is taking a pencil to my calendar and deciding whether I want to put my gym hour at 0800 or not.

Let me say that to myself again – all we are talking about is where to put my gym hour, in pencil.

Let me say that again – a penciled in gym hour creates fear that I will be unloved, judged, disconnected.

Seriously? AYFKM?

And now the time blocked doesn’t seem so scary.

Understand I am not sitting here feeling a rush of “Tada!” I understand that this is just one thing and it feels successful right now. It has also taken about 72 hours of occasional idea rolling and three solid hours of Thinking Chair sitting to deduce that I will not lose the love of my life, my family, and my friends if I pencil in the gym on my calendar. That’s not exactly efficient. But it is a start. It is a step. This morning, I’ll count it a win.

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